Jon (thinking): They say a lot of things about Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing.

She’s spoken with angels and won in hand-to-hand combat with demons. Vampires beg to be allowed to serve her rather than die by her hand.

Trees and plants tel her their secrets. Most of which have to do with soil quality and how much it rains, but still — what have the trees told you lately?

Men want her. Women want to be her. Also, women want her, and men want to be her. Nobody’s really sure what she wants, but you can rest easy that it isn’t you.

In London in ’99, she transformed the entire Thames into a torrent of holy water. She singlehandedly defeated the commander of the Nazis’ Last Battalion. With a sword. When he had lots of guns. And a werewolf.

Then, for an encore, she traveled back in time and killed — well, not Hitler, obviously, since we all still remember him, but someone who would have been even worse.

She slices. She dices. She glares at fries, and they go Julienne all by themselves. She taught Chuck Norris the roundhouse kick. Even if 90% of what they say aobut Sir Hellsing is complete BS (which it probably is)…

…she’s still the scariest person on the planet.

Integra: Mr. Stewart, Mr. Colbert.

Jon (thinking): And she knows my name.