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Fangirl Karaoke: Battle Hymn of the Republic

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The lyrics on DaughterofThree’s deviantART.

Mine eyes have seen the coming of the vampire Alucard;
He is trampling out the vintage where the lives of men are marred;
He hath loosed the fateful lightning of Sir Hellsing’s “calling card”;
His truth is marching on.
Gory! Gory! Hallelujah! Gory! Gory! Hallelujah!
Gory! Gory! Hallelujah! His truth is marching on.

I have seen him building death pyres in a hundred stake-out camps
He is praying at the altar in the midnight dews and damps;
I can see him collecting and lighting bright and brilliant lamps;
Sir Walter’s marching on.
Gory! Gory! Hallelujah! Gory! Gory! Hallelujah!
Gory! Gory! Hallelujah! Sir Walter’s marching on.

Safe within his heavy coffin, he was borne across the sea,
With a “dog” within his bosom bent on eating you and me:
As he died to make men suffer, now he lives to make men free;
While Hellsing’s marching on.
Gory! Gory! Hallelujah! Gory! Gory! Hallelujah!
Gory! Gory! Hallelujah! While Hellsing’s marching on.

I have read a fiery Gospel writ in burnished rows of steel;
“Let the warrior eat his fill, as it may well be his last meal”;
Let the hero, fond of women, drink until he’ll only reel,
Pip Bernadette’s marching on.
Gory! Gory! Hallelujah! Gory! Gory! Hallelujah!
Gory! Gory! Hallelujah! Pip Bernadette’s marching on.

She has sounded forth the trumpet that shall never call retreat;
She is sifting out the hearts of men before her judgment seat;
Oh, be swift, my soul, to flee from her! be fearful fast, my feet;
Sir Hellsing’s marching on.
Gory! Gory! Hallelujah! Gory! Gory! Hallelujah!
Gory! Gory! Hallelujah! Sir Hellsing’s marching on.

He is coming like the glory of the moon upon the wave,
He is wisdom to the stupid, he is terror to the brave;
So the world shall be his playground, and the soul of wrong his slave,
The vampire’s marching on.
Gory! Gory! Hallelujah! Gory! Gory! Hallelujah!
Gory! Gory! Hallelujah! The vampire’s marching on.

Bad Vampire Joke Theater

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Q. Why did Dracula telephone the undertaker?
A. To ask for a take-away meal!

Q. What’s pink, has a curly tail, and sucks blood?
A. A hampire!

Q. How would a vampire manage with only one fang?
A. She’d just have to grin and bare it!

Q. What do you get if you cross a sheep with a vampire?
A. Drac-ewe-la!

Q. What do you call the referee in a Transylvanian cricket match?
A. A vumpire!

Q. Why does Dracula sleep so soundly?
A. His work is draining!

Storylines That Weren’t (8) The Adventure of the Chinatown Pet Shop (9) Integra’s Inferno

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VIII: The Adventure of the Chinatown Pet Shop

Being a case history in the files of Sherlock Holmes, as written by his biographer John Watson.

Note that Conan Doyle himself touched on it: “Matilda Briggs was not the name of a young woman, Watson…it was a ship which is associated with the Giant Rat of Sumatra, a story for which the world is not yet prepared.”

That rat, of course, was sold at a pet shop in London’s Chinatown, whose owner Watson takes for a beautiful woman. Holmes, however, correctly deduces that the person is neither female nor human.

Holmes works more quickly than Leon Orcot. When he sets his mind to investigating the shop, he quickly learns Count D’s true nature. The supernatural events are what cause Watson to shelve the story: he’s trying to be known as a serious biographer, not a writer of lurid gothic horror novels like that Dracula nonsense.

The rat, for its part, decides the whole thing is more trouble than it’s worth, and moves back to the Fire Swamp to be with its family.

Let it not be overlooked that D offers Holmes a pet at one point, making cryptic and/or flirty hints about “knowing what you really need.” On this point, Holmes is quite clear: he needs friendship and loyalty, and gets as much of that from Watson as he could wish for.


IX. Integra’s Inferno

In which Integra takes a Dante-style tour of the circles of Hell, searching for…well, I hadn’t quite worked that part out.

Her guide, as Virgil guided Dante, is Apollonius of Tyana (ca. 40-ca. 12o BCE). Apollonius was a Greek philosopher and teacher whose probably-fictional travels are described in a book by Philostratus a century later.

In the book, Apollonius holds debates with Indian sages, meets legendary heroes of Greek mythology (or at least tours their shrines), expels demons, does Science!, advises the emperor, overthrows a tyrant…and, somewhere along the way, catches and exposes a lamiai: a succubus-like vampire that can take the form of a snake.

[Illustration of Virgil and Dante]

This ancient-Greek precursor to Abraham Van Helsing is impressed with Integra, and together they trek through Hell on their epic quest, meeting lots of cool-looking demons along the way.

If I really wanted to be ambitious, I would have tried writing this in terza rima, the interwoven rhyming scheme invented by Dante which has confounded translators ever since.

Rejected Ideas Email File

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Erin (thinking): Hmm…I should probably clear out some of these unused tidbits in my inbox…

Oh, right…half of these are concepts Xuanwu threw at me that never went anywhere.

– When I wrote about the Catholicon tournament of Pray Pray Revolution, I thought it was an exaggeration…

– Here’s a fun place to live, eh? If only I spoke German.

– Some photos of the lovely flower Castilleja integra. It’s certainly striking enough to have earned the name.

– Reader Chris writes, “In WW2 the British nickname for the German troops was ‘Jerry’ (also the source of the term ‘jerry can’ for the gasoline containers seen on jeeps and trucks). And we have Schro, who’s a German cat-boy…”

Seras: In other words, our Tom was a Jerry.

Schrödinger: Ain’t I a stinker?

Storylines That Weren’t (6) A Proper Lupin III Adventure (7) Hellsing Heir Auditions

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VI: A Proper Lupin III Adventure

Lupin promises to steal some major British relic. The Coronation Stone? The Crown Jewels? To defend against him, the Queen calls in the world’s foremost Lupin expert: Detective Koichi Zenigata.

Cue a scene in which Zenigata explains, with the detail and confidence born of experience, how Lupin would bypass every single defense the Round Table knights can think of.

The solution: go supernatural. (Integra isn’t thrilled. This isn’t Hellsing’s line of work.) Alucard, Seras, Yomiko, and various other super-powered Brits are put on guard duty.

Lupin does try to sneak in…disguised as Pip. He’s interrupted by Seras, who demands proof of his identity. Lupin is all too happy to flirt with her by way of demonstration. (Meanwhile, Alucard is dual-gun/sword-fighting with Goemon and Jigen, and having the time of his life.)

Lupin tricks a few of the powerful characters into fighting each other, and makes it to the treasure. However, in the battle, Zenigata is badly wounded, and Lupin must choose between getting away clean with his prize and making sure his old nemesis doesn’t die tonight.

The choice is obvious. A life of crime and riches wouldn’t be half as fun if he didn’t have the Detective around to chase him for it.


VII: Hellsing Heir Auditions

As suggested by Matthew Henry, back in the days when the fandom assumed Integra would be required to produce an heir to run Hellsing.

(In the final chapter of the manga, Integra confirms that the days of family organizations are over, and her job will be a government-appointed one rather than an inherited one from now on.)

Rather than get pregnant, Integra decides to adopt, and hold auditions. Many kids apply, believing themselves to be suitable candidates. Few actually are.

Walter: Sir Integra, there’s a bus outside to ask about the heir auditions.

Integra: A whole bus? Where’s it from?

Walter: Well, my Italian is a bit rusty, but I believe the writing on the side says “Ferdinant Lukes Orphanage.”

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