Fans: THIS IS SO AWESOME!!
[THUMP THUMP THUMP]
Schrödinger (thinking): Ooh. I’m saving this video.
Fan 1: Alucard totally needs to be shirtless for this!
Fan 2: And he should have his guns!
Alucard: That’s more like it.
Fan 3: And he should be a CATBOY!
Schrödinger: In the flesh! (Unlike before.)
Rip: How did you…
Schrödinger: I’m everywhere and nowhere again!
But that demon…she couldn’t handle it. When she was in my body, she could only function at the level of a dumb animal. Now she’s somewhere again. She can think, and she’s mad, and she just met that vampire.
Doc: That means…
Schrödinger: …give me a camera! You’re gonna want to see this!
Schrödinger (thinking): Time to get rid of these things.
Rip: …and then they both vanished!
Schrödinger (thinking): Hah!
Your doujinshi-ka (after yet another haircut): A lot of rants were cut short in this storyline, but I thought this one in particular deserved to be heard…
To Glomp, or Not To Glomp.
That is the question.
For if I Glomp, I glomp in vain,
And verily I shall die in pain,
But also I will die fulfilled…
*shrugs* No better way to get me killed!
The best of the cuts!
– Why doesn’t integral outfit Alucard with 2 chrome plated .50 desert eagles? Now that would be cool!
– Those who don’t acknowledge Alucard as the hottest man in existence need to be beaten with rotten fish repeatedly.
– LORD OF BADASS FIGHT SCENES! SLAYER OF THOUSANDS! KEEPER OF THE TIGHT TIGHT ASS!
– I’ll will admit this if I was gay I would freaking jump that catboy.
– I just want to pet you! Oh! I work in a pet store and we always have fresh catnip! Would you like some?
– And I love the hat and his guns and my friend said it was a pimp hat and I said “No Way!” It’s not a pimp hat! But she said, “Yeah huh” and I lookedAgain and it IS a pimp hat and it’s AWESOME!!!!
The last fangirl of this storyline is AtticusBlackwolf, the first to see fit to attack Alucard’s headwear.
Alucard: You’ll want to wait a few minutes while I dispose of these things…
Alucard: …or not.
Fan: It’s Alucard’s HAT!! It is the full embodiment of awesome in hat form.
Integra (thinking): Alucard! What’s keeping you? Is it the fangirls?
Alucard (telepathy): Oh, no, Master. The fangirls are no problem at all.
Integra (thinking): Oh, geez. That means there’s a worse problem that you’re not telling me about.
Alucard (telepathy): Nothing gets by you, Master.
Alucard: I’m always up for a good battle.
Fans: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Nina: Good, because that’s one of your two choices. You see, I’m a succubus.
If I don’t get a good fight, I’m going to need a good–
Alucard: Fight! I choose the fight!
Fan: Can he still do it shirtless?
Note from The Future: I’m told that, in Doc’s Story, the demon’s name is given as Azmodeus. (Also, she and Hitler are implied to be Schrödinger’s parents. Yyyyeah.) None of this info was going around English-speaking fandom in the Shine-writing days, so Nina got a lot of details made up.
Nina: Oh. Oh, this is good. I’ve been locked up for so long…then my consciousness was scattered across the universe…
…but it’s all over now! NINA is back!
Alucard: You’re a demon of Hell and your name is Nina?
Nina: You wanna fight about it?
Schrödinger (thinking): I…I’m…
I’m me again!
All is right with the world!