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YKYLHTMW…

As a Hellsing fan, you’re bound to do some silly things in the name of your fandom. But there are limits to what a fan will reasonably do – limits based on things such as practicality, sanity, and the laws of physics.

If you’re close to those limits, you may have a hard time telling where they are. How far is too far?

The following is a handy fan-compiled reference list:

You Know You Like Hellsing Too Much When . . .

  1. …your goal in life is to apprentice yourself to Walter and carry on the art of dental floss of death.
  2. …you stop washing your hair, and start cutting it erratically, in order to perfect the Alucard look.
  3. …you singlehandedly support the hair gel industry through the recession in your attempts to look like Integral.
  4. …and you are a guy.
  5. …alternatively, you get a contract on the scale of a small business with a hair gel supplier trying to perfect the Anderson look.
  6. …and cut your cheek to get a really “authentic” scar.
  7. …and attempt to grow a beard.
  8. …and, if that doesn’t work, buy a fake one.
  9. …which you wear everywhere.
  10. …and you’re female.
  11. …you fake nearsightedness and then insist on getting impossibly huge glasses.
  12. …the local pharmacy rapidly runs out of floss because you buy it all up practicing Walter’s moves.
  13. …you develop the ability to actually cut things with floss.
  14. …even the waxed type.
  15. …you quote your favorite character(s) on a daily basis.
  16. …in Japanese.
  17. …instead of saying “Whatever” or “Anything goes”, you say “Whatever works is cool.”
  18. …you precede this phrase with “In the immortal words of Jan Valentine . . .”
  19. …you get your little sibling(s) hooked on Hellsing, even though they’re young enough that you won’t let them watch Order 09: Red Rose Vertigo.
  20. …you’ve also converted half of your friends into Hellsing fans.
  21. …and lost the other half, who have developed doubts about your sanity.
  22. …you scour department stores for a pair of red and yellow glasses and a huge floppy red hat.
  23. …and demand to speak to the manager when you can’t find them.
  24. …and end up offering $200 for them on eBay.
  25. …you insist on getting red contacts.
  26. …you refuse to get braces, to preserve your pointy eyeteeth.
  27. …you vehemently denounce all your Catholic friends.
  28. …or, if you’re an Iscariot fan, all your Protestant friends.
  29. …either way, you no longer have any atheist friends.
  30. …you’ve converted to the religion of your favorite character.
  31. …and have converted your parents and siblings.
  32. …and your entire extended family.
  33. …you become the only person in your debate club who is pro-gun.
  34. …and you defend this position by saying, “If a vampire showed up at YOUR house, wouldn’t you want to be prepared?”
  35. …you try to convince your parents to get the family a gun, complete with silver bullets.
  36. …you and your siblings act out Hellsing battles using sticks to represent the Jackal, Casull, Anderson’s blades, and so on.
  37. …it’s only fun until someone loses an eye.
  38. …and even that doesn’t stop you.
  39. …because you insist that the eye will regenerate.
  40. …your mother learns that the best way to stop these battles is to shout, “That’s enough, Paladin Alexander Anderson!”
  41. …and your mother has never watched Hellsing.
  42. …you refuse to buy any brand of dishwasher besides Integral.
  43. …or any brand of car besides the Acura Integra.
  44. …you renounce schoolwork in favor of becoming the world’s greatest Hellsing expert.
  45. …you cancel the family trip to the beach so you can go to Otakon in Hellsing cosplay.
  46. …when you start up Kazaa/Limewire/your local file-sharing program, it automatically searches for Hellsing media before you type anything.
  47. …your closet contains nothing but Hellsing cosplay outfits and T-shirts with Hellsing designs.
  48. …you wear these outfits to school.
  49. …but you don’t get any strange looks, because everyone’s gotten used to it by now.
  50. …you travel to Japan just to get Hellsing merchandise.
  51. …every room in your house has Hellsing stuff in it, because there’s no more space in your room.
  52. …your parents have given up complaining about this long ago.
  53. …you take piano lessons just so that you can play Hellsing songs.
  54. …you practice until you can play all of them, despite not having any sheet music.
  55. …you stop eating or sleeping to achieve this.
  56. …you have dreams about Hellsing.
  57. …you see Hellsing afterimages when you close your eyes.
  58. …your creative writing projects always turn into Hellsing fanfiction.
  59. …you spend the fund you were saving for a new computer/car/house on a domain name for your Hellsing fanpage.
  60. …because you feel sick when you see ads messing up your lovely Alucard layout.
  61. …nobody trusts you around knives any more.
  62. …especially if they’ve just been washed (even if it’s not in holy water).
  63. …you make up Hellsing-related lyrics to your favorite songs and sing them instead of the real ones.
  64. …you write letters to the singers of those songs asking them to sing the Hellsing versions instead.
  65. …you write so many letters that you succeed.
  66. …you singlehandedly convince a local radio station that there’s enough of a fan base that it should play all Hellsing music, all the time.
  67. …there is enough of a fan base, because of all the people you’ve converted.
  68. …you win a free motorcycle in a contest and turn it down because it doesn’t look like Leif and Jessica’s.
  69. …you frequent every club, regardless of quaity or decency, that’s called “Club M”.
  70. …you fly a British flag at your door, despite not living in England.
  71. …even on Independence Day.
  72. …you move to England, despite the obvious dangers, just so you can be closer to your favorite character.
  73. …alternatively, if you’re an Iscariot fan, you move to Rome.
  74. …and you don’t speak Italian.
  75. …your email address, LiveJournal/GreatestJournal screen name, eBay and Amazon usernames, AIM and MSN screennames, Neopets username, etcetera, etcetera, ad nauseum, are all Hellsing-related.
  76. …you start taking fashion cues from Seras.
  77. …and you’re a guy.
  78. …you don’t get any sleep the night before the Big Presentation because you’re busy double-checking all your favorite Hellsing sites to see if they’ve updated.
  79. …you end up doing the Big PResentation on the freak chip mechanism.
  80. …during other presentations, you insist on running the projector, and say in your best Integra-voice, “Your findings are irrelevant.”
  81. …and they are, because they’re not related to Hellsing.
  82. …you aren’t allowed to run the projector any more.
  83. …you break up with your significant other because s/he simply doesn’t measure up to your favorite Hellsing character.
  84. …and s/he completely understands, because you converted s/him to Hellsing fandom ages ago.
  85. …you won’t go out with anyone who’s not a Hellsing fan.
  86. …whenever in the presence of a box of tissue paper, you ask bystanders if they’d like to trade some for an episode preview.

Courtesy of Vertigo:

  1. …you’ve watched the episodes so many times that you can recite the dialog.
  2. …in Japanese.
  3. …you learn to sew so that you can make a chibi doll of your favorite character.
  4. …you want a hellhound.
  5. …because you think they’re cute.
  6. …you’re taking Japanese solely because you don’t want to look stupid when you say Hellsing quotes in that language.
  7. …you place out of Japanese 101 based on your knowledge gained from obsessive Hellsing quoting.
  8. …your dog is named Alucard.
  9. …your walls, floor, shelves, and ceiling are covered with Hellsing posters.
  10. …you watch episode nine of Cowboy Bebop with subs solely to hear George Nakata (Alucard’s seiyuu) making a cameo.

A few from Victoria:

  1. …you think about Hellsing all day, every day.
  2. …whenever you sign your name, you add “♥ Hellsing” after it.
  3. …you insist to all your friends that you ARE Alexander Anderson.

And one from Spooch:

  1. …you create an Anime Choir just so you can sing “Shine”.

Thanks to Elizabeth:

  1. …you start long discussions with your nine-year-old sister about the relationship between Alucard and Integral.
  2. …in Japanese.
  3. …you have a list of Things That Are Unworthy Of Being On The Same Planet As Hellsing, But Exist Anyway Just To Bother Me.
  4. …you explain nicely to your mother that the reason you stay up all night, sleep until three in the afternoon, and then stay inside all day watching Hellsing, is not because you’re lazy and stubborn, but because you’re a vampire and can’t take sunlight.
  5. …you decide that all other anime are unworthy of existing alongside Hellsing, and begin a campaign to ensure that such monstrosities as Pokémon, Sailor Moon, and Inuyasha are thrown into a fire immediately.

Thanks to Seika:

  1. …you watch all the episodes back-to-back in one sitting.
  2. …you get multiple screens together and watch all of them at once.
  3. …you dress up as Alucard for every con there is.
  4. …you craft a copy of Integra’s sword.
  5. …you run around the house yelling “Search and Destroy!”
  6. …you insist on referring to your basement as a dungeon.
  7. …you draw the Hellsing members instead of your family in art class.
  8. …and tell your teacher that those people are your family members.
  9. …you force yourself to develop a tea-drinking habit.
  10. …you imagine that Walter is sitting next to you on the bus.
  11. …you print out Hellsing pictures and paste them all over your wall.

True story, courtesy of Lady Nemisis:

  1. …you name your goldfish “Integra”, “Wingates”, and “Hellsing.”

Thanks to Anny:

  1. …when told to say your prayers, you recite the Hellsing organization’s motto.
  2. …you know all the songs by heart, and can translate them from memory.
  3. …you sing them regularly.
  4. …you’re so good at singing “Shine” that it wins you a talent show.
  5. …you spend all the money on Hellsing stuff the same afternoon.
  6. …you treat the local minister/reverend/priest as your arch-rival.
  7. …and do battle with s/him on a daily basis.
  8. …you address all authority figures as “Master.”
  9. …when attacked, you laugh evilly and quote, “Wonderful, just wonderful.”
  10. …you get custom-made oversized cake knives so you can be just like Anderson.
  11. …you get a high-pressure water gun converted into a model of the Jackal.
  12. …on Halloween you hide in the bushes and shoot at demonic-costumed trick-or-treaters.

From Amanda:

  1. …you can never be introduced to anyone without telling s/him what Hellsing character s/he looks like.
  2. …your favorite food is now steak-and-kidney pie.
  3. …you actually attempt to drink blood.
  4. …and, meanwhile, indulge in sweet-and-sour sauce and ketchup.
  5. …on seeing any red liquid, you get distracted reminiscing about Hellsing episodes.
  6. …instead of paying attention to your teachers, you doodle Hellsing characters.
  7. …when you get detention for this, you become certain that the teacher is either a vampire or an Iscariot agent.
  8. …so you sneak your model Jackal/Casull/Harkonnen cannon into school with you.

Courtesy of “Angeldust” Anderson:

  1. …you wear scarves, with optional cross pin, to formal occasions instead of ties.
  2. …you force your poor dog to wear a headband with extra eyes attached.
  3. …and train it to hold a squeaky cross toy in its teeth.
  4. …and, after the much-abused creature learns the basics of “sit” and “stay”, you get very frustrated in its ability to understand “turn into mist” and “sprout extra heads”.
  5. …you insist to your parents that you can’t go to school or the sun will burn you.
  6. …and before you return home, you paint your face and arms to try to convince them that you were right.
  7. …you refuse to remove your gloves at fancy dinners, insisting that the silverware will blow you up.
  8. …you carry a plastic spork everywhere you go, in case you get stranded at a fancy dinner with no gloves.
  9. …you paint a red pentagram on your door and interrogate visitors about what visions they saw when they came in.
  10. …you refuse to buy your own house until you can afford an exact replica of the Hellsing mansion.
  11. …and wallpaper the whole thing with childhood Hellsing sketches.
  12. …and there’s enough of them to actually cover the walls.
  13. …you’re the best shot in your local gun/rifle/archery club, and whenever someone asks your secret, you tell s/him to shoot like s/he has a third eye in s/his forehead.

Thanks for these goes to Anny:

  1. …whenever anything good happens, you stand up and laugh like a maniac and bend way over backwards, Alexander-style.
  2. …and the walls flash red and white.
  3. …you get out of fights by threatening to bite the other person, and following through on it.
  4. …you talk about blood like a wine critic with a fine vintage (“Tart and lingering, with a delicate, full-bodied character . . .”)
  5. …at the blood bank you press your face against the window and stare at the contents.
  6. …when asked what you’re doing, you say, “Admiring the view.”
  7. …you follow hospital trucks to steal the medical bags.
  8. …you’ve attacked these trucks so many times that, in your region, they’re armored vehicles.
  9. …you decorate everything with bats, year-round.
  10. …you christian your new house/boat/car/vehicle in the name of Hellsing.
  11. …when asked what you want to do when you grow up, you reply, “Search and Destroy!”
  12. …you name your firstborn child after your favorite Hellsing character.
  13. …regardless of gender.
  14. …you do the same thing with your second child, naming s/him after your second favorite character.
  15. …by the third kid, you just give up and name s/him “Hellsing.”
  16. …you’ve given up on trying to hide the fact that you’re in love with Alucard, and in fact announce it up front to everyone you meet.
  17. …at family reunions, you address unfamiliar cousins by the name of whatever Hellsing character they happen to look like.
  18. …you have a specially trained canine unit that you’ve taught to hunt down freaks, ghouls, and all things undead.
  19. …you’ve trained them so well that you can’t take them on walks by the cemetary any more.

Indebted to Tigris for the following:

  1. …you attack pale people with oversized cake knives.
  2. …and get mad when the police don’t believe that you were trying to rid the world of a vampire.
  3. …whenever someone offers you flowers, you tell them to shut up and smack the bouquet out of their hands.
  4. …even if it’s your fiancé(e).
  5. …you scour your basement for tied-up vampires.
  6. …and become very upset when you can’t find any.
  7. …although you’ve only lived in the house for ten years.
  8. …you start talking with a British accent.
  9. …you spend hours copying every exact detail of Alucard’s sigil onto a pair of gloves.
  10. …you wear a monocle.
  11. …and there’s nothing wrong with either of your eyes.
  12. …you go to the Tower of London with a tour group and supplement the guide’s information with your explanations of the events of Order 12 and 13.

Courtesy of Laruel:

  1. …you try to convince people that you’re really Alucard in disguise.
  2. …and they start to actually believe you.
  3. …and you’re a girl.
  4. …and then you chew them all out for not recognizing that you’re nowhere near as cool as Alucard.

Kade is guilty of these:

  1. …when watching other shows, you notice characters that are “Alucards” or have “Seras-Walter relationships”.
  2. …you call your grandfather who wears a monocle “Walter”.

Courtesy of Sachiel:

  1. …you scour the Internet for Hellsing soldier executions.
  2. …you go into pubs and actually order tomato juice.
  3. …you refuse to cut your hair until it’s as long as Luke’s.
  4. …you find the painting Integral was looking at in the National Gallery and stand around waiting for an Italian with yellow roses.
  5. …you don’t trust anyone from a village named after cheese.
  6. …you call goths FREAKs.
  7. …you run a Hellsing website with bios on any character with more than two speaking lines.
  8. …you dye your hair white and develop a fetish for bondage clothes.

Back to the dōjinshi-ka for a moment:

  1. …you rant about Integral so much and so extensively that people start to wonder if you’re quite straight.
  2. …and you weren’t sure yourself until you fell in love with Integral and it all became clear.
  3. …you go into science and dedicate your life to actually opening a portal to the Hellsing universe.
  4. …you succeed.
  5. …you start a “You know you like Hellsing too much when” list and it amasses two hundred items before it becomes self-referential.
  6. ..you go to see Van Helsing, not because you think it’ll be any good, but because it has a guy who’s vaguely related to Integral’s ancestor in it.
  7. …and you decide that you like that movie, not because it’s any good or actually has anything to do with Dracula, but on the basis of the name alone.
  8. …you splurge on all the old black-and-white Dracula films you can find.
  9. …evan Zoltan, Hound of Dracula.

Credit for these goes to Big Red:

  1. …you have clothes permanently bloodstained because your mom has gotten sick of soaking them.
  2. …you make it a prerequisite to know about Hellsing to join any club you run, even if it has nothing to do with Hellsing, or in fact anime.
  3. …you will buy any anime related to vampires.
  4. …but after watching for five minutes, you deem them no match for Hellsing.
  5. …you convince your parents that it was an accident you spilled black paint all over the dog, and he looks better as a hellhound anyway.
  6. …whenever anybody is absent from anything, your first suggestion is that s/he was bitten by a vampire.
  7. …people no longer find this suggestion unreasonable because you’ve converted them all.
  8. …anyone who mocks or derides Hellsing around you vanishes mysteriously.
  9. …and the bodies are never found.
  10. …you insist on speaking in Anderson’s thick Scottish accent.
  11. …and writing on it, as rendered in the Dark Horse translations.
  12. …you spend hours writing YKYLHTMWs.
  13. …and they come easily, because you’ve experienced so many.
  14. …you’ve perfected the Alucard smile, and a matching laugh.
  15. …you decide that nothing is worthy of existing alongside Hellsing, so you concoct a scheme to destroy the Earth.
  16. …right after the OVA is finished, of course.

These are thanks to Wyrrenlar:

  1. …you always refer to Alucard as “Master”.
  2. …you introduce yourself to new people as “Alucard” or “Seras”.
  3. …and get insulted when they suggest that you’re human.
  4. …you hold long and detailed conversations with your Hellsing figurines.
  5. …they talk back.
  6. …you hallucinate Alucard, and it takes you a minute to remember that he’s not real.
  7. …scratch that, he is real.
  8. …you can’t hear the phrase “bloody hell” without adding “A four poster coffin…”
  9. …you wash your neck thoroughly every chance you get because you don’t want to put Alucard off a good meal.
  10. …you can’t read calculus books without laughing about the word “integral” all over them.
  11. …when asked what you’d like to drink, you smile and say “Just transfusion blood for me.”
  12. …you go to churches and ask the priests what they’re doing about the vampire problem.
  13. …and then recommend that they bring in the Hellsing organization.
  14. …you know all the nitpicky little details, like how long it took Seras to set up the sniper rifle in Order 02, how many guns fell out of Incognito’s shell in Order 09, and so on.
  15. …you can’t read “Van Helsing” without thinking it looks wrong without the second L.
  16. …you take a cardboard cutout of Alucard as your date to dances/clubs.
  17. …you’ve set up a shrine dedicated, not just to Hellsing, but to the person who introduced you to Hellsing.

These have all been experienced by Bishōnen no Hime:

  1. …you search Google for four and a half hours looking for new Hellsing fanfiction.
  2. …because you’ve read ALL of it on fanfiction.net.
  3. …you go to Otakon and glare at everyone you see dressed as Alucard, because you don’t think they’re tall enough.
  4. …everything you buy or get at Otakon is Hellsing-related, even the badge.
  5. …just listening to sound clips of Alucard’s Japanese voice gives you shivers.
  6. …you plot out which Hellsing character would be which Clue character.
  7. …you design a pattern to make a chibi Integra doll.
  8. …you use a fanart of Integra for your Computer Graphics final project.
  9. …you teach yourself HTML just so you can make an AxI fansite.
  10. …you can proclaim the Van Helsing movie a sacrelige against Hellsing simply based on the previews.
  11. …you buy all the manga tankōbon in Japanese, even though you can’t read it.
  12. …and use them to teach yourself to pick out words (“blood”, “vampire”, “virgin”, major character names) in Japanese.
  13. …and then go nuts waiting for Dark Horse to get their butts in gear and bring the English copies out faster.
  14. …you know for a fact that there is not a single store within fifty miles of where you live that has the second volume of the manga, a week after it’s come out.
  15. …because you call daily, and you’e been to them all twice.

The fabulous Jan McNeville produced the following:

  1. …you go to a friend’s bachelor party and are disappointed to discover that the slutty-looking dancers have no fangs.
  2. …when new students come to your school, they are warned not to mention the words ‘blood’, ‘priest’, or ‘guns’ in your presence.
  3. …for your birthday, your best friends tie the janitor up in the basement furnace room and paint a pentagram on the door.
  4. …you’ve converted the janitor.
  5. …it was his idea.
  6. …you have an underling whose job it is to follow you about and hand you things when you need them. Teachers call said underling “Renaldo.”
  7. …so do said underling’s parents.
  8. …you’ve been banned from a growing list of local nightclubs for raiding them for stray Valentine siblings.
  9. …you inquire in confession about the latest Iscariot budget cuts.
  10. …Father Mulcahy smiles and rather desperately asks when the third manga is coming out.
  11. …your mother discovers a bat hanging from the shower curtain rod.
  12. …she greets it and tells tiny Victoria to go wake you up for school.
  13. …you and your English teacher get into a fierce and heated debate over the supreme literary vampire. (Carmilla vs. Dracula!)
  14. …she wears a green dress the next day, to mess with you.
  15. …the school cafeteria begins serving tea after your successful plea campaign.
  16. …next on the list: blood packets.
  17. …you rush to the local Red Cross as soon as you’re old enough to donate, only to be disappointed that Alucard is NOT there with a menu in hand.
  18. …on your brand-new adult driver’s licence, your eye color is listed as “red”.
  19. …your six-year-old blond cousin pleads with your aunt to come with you to Otakon dressed as Young Integra.
  20. …she takes out half the Alucard cosplayers with some seriously precocious use of a plastic gun, while you smile beatifically behind your clip-on monocle.
  21. …your rewritten Hellsingified version of the school song is the only one anybody can remember.
  22. …your volunteer group is invited back to the local orphanage with the following note: “And do bring that lovely Scottish fellow! The children love him!”
  23. …when your brother with the 21 piercings wants a ride somewhere, you give it on one condition: he must wear the knit cap and sweatsuit.
  24. …other Hellsing fangirls glomp him on sight.
  25. …you’re driving him to Catholic catechism class.

These are courtesy of Nick Helf:

  1. Hellsing is the standard by which you judge all art, no matter what the subject.
  2. …you pester local gunsmiths to make you the Jackal and Casull.
  3. …until said gunsmiths take out a restraining order.
  4. …at which point you start pestering Smith and Wesson instead.
  5. …as a last resort, you make replicas of the Jackal and Casull out of wood.
  6. …you reread the manga daily.
  7. …you pester female cops to cosplay as Seras.
  8. …and thank them for being so in-character when they get annoyed and flick you into walls.
  9. …you actually read every word on the symbols, tattoos, and graffiti in the manga.
  10. …you ask priests at random if they are regenerators.
  11. …even before you see the TV series, you’ve spent so much time on Hellsing websites that you know all about it.
  12. …you lie awake at night wishing for a good Alucard action figure.
  13. …you think that the U.S. Special Forces should make the Harkonnen Cannon a standard issue.

And these are thanks to Onikage:

  1. …you drink your own blood when you get a cut.
  2. …your prents don’t think it’s weird.
  3. …you take knives to church and ask the priests to bless them.
  4. …they give up and do it.
  5. …you demand blood at restaurants.
  6. …it’s produced.
  7. …you switch all the DVDs at Blockbuster with Hellsing DVDs.

This batch came from the mind of Robyn:

  1. …you don’t count the time until the next release date in weeks or days; you count it in minutes.
  2. …you convert a friend into an obsessive Hellsing worshipper in less than a week.
  3. …solely because of the way you read the manga to them.
  4. …with perfect accents.
  5. …even though you’ve never been to most of the places where they’re heard.
  6. …and nobody thinks that’s strange.
  7. …two words: tinted contacts.
  8. …but the red looks natural on you.
  9. …because you’ve been wearing it for years.
  10. …your parents now watch Hellsing with you.
  11. …and get a kick out of it.
  12. …and have forgotten why they ever wanted you to watch something more wholesome.
  13. …anything you say can be traced back to a Hellsing quote.
  14. …and if it isn’t direct, you can still claim to be paraphrasing someone.
  15. …and prove it.
  16. …you relate every essay and research project to Hellsing.
  17. …and your teachers don’t mind.
  18. …because you’ve converted them too.
  19. …your anime club watches only Hellsing.
  20. …all your copies, of course.
  21. …all five hundred of them.
  22. …you construct a realistic miniature coffin for your Alucard action figure.
  23. …made out of genuine coffin wood from the local funeral home.
  24. …you try to kidnap the bats from the local zoo.
  25. …because you insist that they’re vampires.
  26. …and the zoo management believes you.
  27. …you always wear gloves. Always.
  28. …you only attend night school.
  29. …as do all your friends.
  30. …in fact, your school no longer opens during the day.
  31. …when a DVD player or computer won’t work, you break out your backup VHS tapes of Hellsing.
  32. …and when those don’t work, you go to the local Blockbuster and have them play it on the TVs for you.
  33. …which they do, because you’ll bite them if they don’t.
  34. …your long-suffering dog no longer cares about your modifications to make it look like a hellhound, because you’ve found some mysterious way to convert it into a Hellsing fan.

These were conceived by Cassie:

  1. …you demand that Parker Brothers come out with a Hellsing version of Monopoly.
  2. …they give in.
  3. …you convince the prom committee that the theme should be “Hellsing”.
  4. …and then show up in full Seras costume.
  5. …and you’re a guy.
  6. …your friends only address you as Alucard.
  7. …and you’re a girl.

The following are courtesy of Chrystal:

  1. …you threaten club owners with biting if they don’t surrender the Valentine brothers.
  2. …you’re remaining a virgin against the possibility that Alucard will show up and bite you.
  3. …you only wear green suits.
  4. …you wear a cross pin everywhere.
  5. …you refer to any Protestant you meet as a “sow”.
  6. …you spend all day scouring the Internet for Hellsing information.
  7. …you own a life-size Harkonnen Cannon.
  8. …your computer contains only Hellsing-related files.
  9. …you’ve convinced yourself that the sky is actually red.
  10. …you no longer eat cheddar cheese because of its associations with demon priests.
  11. …you scour the Internet for videos of people being killed, hoping to catch the Hellsing badge in one of them.

This bunch is brought to you by Lex:

  1. …you convince your mother to let you get real fangs.
  2. …and she actually pays for it.
  3. …you teach yourself to draw by copying Hellsing art.
  4. …and get so good that people beg you to teach them how to draw.
  5. …but you can’t draw anything that’s not Hellsing-related.
  6. …you go up to pale people and try to put your hands through their hearts, Alucard-style.
  7. …you convince your teacher that Hellsing would be a great show to review for English class.
  8. …and it works.
  9. …because she’s a fan, of course.
  10. …whenever you hear a number, you relate it to Hellsing (“Twenty-three skiddoo.” “Twenty-three, that’s Integra’s age!”)
  11. …and then use it as a segue into a long rant about Hellsing.

Anny returns to give us these:

  1. …you have both the U.S. and Japanese versions of the Hellsing action figures.
  2. …and you have arguements with yourself over which set is cooler.
  3. …in the end you set out to make your own set, including the hellhound.
  4. …you paint a Hellsing battle scene on the wall of your room.
  5. …and it takes up the whole wall.
  6. …and your parents don’t bat an eye.
  7. …you sneak into funeral homes and write “The bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame” on all the coffins.
  8. …you buy anything that so much as reminds you of Hellsing in any way.
  9. …which everything does.
  10. …you watch Hellsing over and over.
  11. …in slow motion.
  12. …frame by frame.
  13. …so that you notice things like how in Order 04, when Seras is getting the Harkonnen Cannon, Alucard just stands there staring at the Jackal for five seconds.
  14. …you quote insults from Hellsing when you’re angry.

This batch is by Blair:

  1. …you and your friends come to school as a cosplay group.
  2. …and speak in the characters’ accents.
  3. …and re-enact the battle scenes.
  4. …you demand that your Walter cosplayer get you a bigger gun.
  5. …your archenemy is any classmate named Alex.
  6. …and you convince yourself that he has knives hidden in his backpack.
  7. …and you convince him to come to school dressed as a priest.
  8. …and he doesn’t know you.
  9. …you spend your lunch hour printing out Hellsing pictures.
  10. …you carry your Alucard action figure everywhere.
  11. …even to the bathroom.
  12. …you won’t drink anything that’s not red.

These are from Shini:

  1. …your boyfriend’s nickname for you is “police girl.”
  2. …your nickname for your significant other is “Master”.
  3. …your Caller ID says “Alucard.”

And these are from a different Shini:

  1. …you’ve memorized Alucard’s sigil.
  2. …and know what all the symbols mean.
  3. …you can draw any page of the manga.
  4. …from memory.
  5. …you tell people that life is like a paper balloon.

These are reported to be true by Yardena:

  1. …you tackle the new kid with the last name Valentine.
  2. …and shoot him with a model Harkonnen Cannon filled with holy water.
  3. …even though you’re Jewish.
  4. …and don’t let up until he swears in an appropriately Jan-like manner.
  5. …you see someone with marks on s/his neck and start looking for Alucard.

Erika Javert starts us off:

  1. …you hurt yourself trying to stick your tongue out as far as Alucard can.

Shadow-chan brings a few:

  1. …when you hear a call for “Walter” over the intecom you drop everything and run to show him your Floss-o’-death skills.
  2. …a friend mentions a drink nicknamed the Nosferatu Special and you immediately order three.

These are courtesy of youngwalterismybishie:

  1. …you can rattle off all the differences between the TV series, OVA, and manga.
  2. …and explain the reason behind each one.
  3. …you pre-order every manga volume nine months before it’s actually released.
  4. …you would kill for manga scanslations.
  5. …you special-order Hellsing dōjinshi, even though you can’t read Japanese.
  6. …you burn out your printer by printing Hellsing pics.
  7. …although you’re a nerd, you’ve converted all the popular kids to Hellsing fandom.
  8. …it’s all you talk about.
  9. …you treat your manga volumes like they’re your children.
  10. …you treat your manga volumes with more care than your actual children.
  11. …you attempt to do everything on this list.

These are thanks to Clymnestra:

  1. …you insist on converting your bed into a coffin.
  2. …you pester your WWII-veteran grandfather for stories about Walter.
  3. …you photoshop your favorite character into your vacation photos.
  4. …and insist that they’re the real deal.
  5. …you have pillows with Hellsing characters printed on them.
  6. …and you talk to them at night.
  7. …you convince your teacher to give lectures on why Alucard is all that.
  8. …Integral is the woman of your dreams.
  9. …your teacher asks what’s with the chibi Integral drawn on your papers all the time.
  10. …and you accuse him of being a vampire hunting for Integral.

This is from Conor:

  1. …you write “Enrico” on the top of your Maxwell brand CDs.
  2. …and on all your cans of Maxell brand coffee.

Megan (aka DeathChocobo) brings us these:

  1. …you break both legs trying to hang from the ceiling like Alucard.
  2. …you insist that it’s unimportant because they’ll regenerate anyways.
  3. …you break the ceiling trying to go through it like Alucard.
  4. …you insist that the Queen will cover the repair costs.
  5. …you print out and frame the Shine cappeared as a fangirour fangirl debut.
  6. …your primary decision-making strategy is to ask yourself, “What Would Alucard Do?”
  7. …you hang upside down from random places at night.
  8. …you casually walk into things, assuming you’ll go through.
  9. …and when you fail, you declare that they contain silver.
  10. …you spend your summer creating plush Hellsing characters.

And these come from Onikage:

  1. …you only listen to Hellsing music.
  2. …and you’ve created custom visualizations to go with all the songs.
  3. …you bring Hellsing manga with you everywhere you go.

Kallero sent in these:

  1. …you listen to Hellsing music 24/7.
  2. …and savagely attack people who ask you to lower the volume.
  3. …and almost kill someone who got fed up and turned it off.
  4. …because you’re sure that only vampires don’t like Hellsing music.
  5. …you refuse to use doors until you learn to walk through walls.
  6. …you melt down crosses and make weapons from them.
  7. …you storm Vatican City and demand to see Alexander Anderson.
  8. …you write a textbook on how Alucard is Dracula.
  9. …you kidnap Kōta Hirano and force him to write faster.

Chibi Arucard is guilty of several of these:

  1. …you merge Hellsing characters with other, less worthy ones to make them watchable.
  2. …your screennames use these newly revamped characters.
  3. …you find a way to put Hellsing storylines into everything you write or watch.
  4. …if you can’t do that, you don’t bother with the rubbish.
  5. …even your parents refer to you as Alucard.
  6. …and they hide the fact that you have Romanian relatives, fearing an insane ego boost.
  7. …you only answer to “Master”.
  8. …you refuse to take orders from anyone who won’t give you their blood.
  9. …you worship any character who shares s/his voice actor with a Hellsing character.
  10. …you can make a full Alucard costume in less than a day.
  11. …you swear the Vatican is behind the paucity of Hellsing merchandise in your area.
  12. …on blood drive days you lurk around hoping there’ll be a spill.
  13. …you attempt to buy the rights to Hellsing.
  14. …you try to add the Book of Alucard to the Bible.
  15. …even the voices in your head is Alucard’s.
  16. …it yells at you when you don’t eat.
  17. …and whenever you pass by a church.
  18. …you write, direct, and film your own second series.
  19. …you take red-eye in photos as proof of vampirism.
  20. …you are told on a daily basis to seek help because you are not actually Alucard.

Nick Helf returns with these:

  1. …you own life-size dolls of the characters.
  2. …and you prefer their company to that of your family and friends.
  3. …you put out a petition to make next year’s policy debate topic AxI versus AxS.
  4. …and it works.
  5. …and you win nationals using that resoultion, because you’ve put so much thought into the issue.
  6. …you get Hellsing bumper stickers.
  7. …and vanity plates.
  8. …and custom paint job.

And Connor Skehan sends in the following:

  1. …you calculate which of Seras’ breasts is bigger.
  2. …and graph their changes in size over time.
  3. …you explain this in detail to your younger siblings.
  4. …and to your friend whose mother would kill him if she found out.
  5. …you buy an Airsoft Barretta, since that’s the standard issue police gun, which means Seras used it.
  6. …you apply to be one of Kōta Hirano’s assistants.
  7. …and move to Japan to take the job.

These were thought up by ChiChi:

  1. …your teachers have given up on telling you that art containing guns is not appropriate for school.
  2. …when fellow drama club member Alex messes up his lines, you scream, “STUPID PRIEST!!”
  3. …you’ve embroidered the Hellsing crest onto your coat.
  4. …you’ve painted Alucard on your mailbox.
  5. …you give yellow roses to all the blonde women you meet.
  6. …you break the speed limit on purpose, hoping Seras will pull you over.
  7. …whenever you meet someone with the last name Bernadette, you scream “PIP!!”
  8. …you’re afraid of nuns with glasses.
  9. …you blast the Hellsing soundtracks so loudly that they can be heard from three blocks away.
  10. …if there’s no con this weekend, you hold one in your back yard.
  11. …your back-door neighbors are now moving away.
  12. …you singlehandedly hurt Van Helsing‘s circulation in your area by ranting about how bad it is.

This batch is from witchblade_estella@hotmail.com:

  1. …when listening to a song, you imagine serenading it to Integral, and what her reaction would be.
  2. …when reading fanfic, you imagine yourself in the characters’ positions.
  3. …even if the character’s a Mary Sue/Marty Stu.
  4. …when someone gets on your nerves, you say in a low, growling voice, “I’ve had enough of your mockery, baobhan sith!”
  5. …you write Hellsing episode scripts and try to sell them to Gonzo.

These are courtesy of Setina:

  1. …you say “Search and Destroy” for everything.
  2. …including your cat.
  3. …which is used to it by now.
  4. …you speculate on Integral’s bra size.
  5. …all of your website layouts are AxI-based.
  6. …you base your moral values on the ones exhibited in Hellsing.
  7. …you write your own opening theme.
  8. …you create a Hellsing font.

Kiyuu came up with these:

  1. …you’re shocked and vaguely nauseated that “Gabriel Van Helsing” works for a secret Vatican organization.
  2. …you refuse to take your glasses off, insisting that your evil side will come out.
  3. …you perform a funeral when your favorite minor character dies.
  4. …you join a cult that insults Catholicism in hopes of meeting Heinkel and Yumie.
  5. …you petition to get a live-action Hellsing movie produced.
  6. …and earn enough money to cast Orlando Bloom as Enrico Maxwell.
  7. …and it sets a record for Oscar wins.

These came from Fallen Angel Lenore:

  1. …you refer to any younger person who bosses you around as “Master”.
  2. …you take up paintball just to improve your aim.
  3. …if you miss a target, you yell at yourself that you should be dead by now.
  4. …you call your paintball gun the Jackal.
  5. …your room has become a fortress, guarded by all vaguely pointy silver objects you can find.

And these from AuronVegeta:

  1. …you get custom decals of Alucard’s sigil and stick them to your car doors.
  2. …you walk up to people at random and whisper “Speak with Dead” and “Jesus Christ is in Heaven” in their ears, then walk away without any explanation.
  3. …you climb to the top of tall buildings to yell “I LOVE HELLSING!”
  4. …you send your resumé to the Vatican, asking if there are any positions available in Section XIII.
  5. …when you get no response, you call them up and demand to speak to Enrico Maxwell.
  6. …your personal business card says “Have .454 Casull, will travel.”
  7. …you struggle for days to get your favorite Hellsing character’s name at the top of online game hi-score tables.
  8. …your computer is coated in homemade Hellsing stickers.
  9. …you snarl at the TV and bare your teeth when the Pope is on the news.
  10. …when asked why, you nonchalantly reply, “The Vatican does’t support human-vampire cooperation.”
  11. …you chastise people in Hellsing RPGs for not acting out their roles well enough.
  12. …and force them to practice until they meet your standards.
  13. …even if it brings the game to a dead stop.
  14. …you wear sunglasses, even at night, claiming you can see better at night than during the day anyway.
  15. …you spend hours researching genetics to write a report arguing for the existence of vampires and their assorted powers and limitations.
  16. …and this isn’t for science class, either.
  17. …you chastise your history teacher for leaving the Millennium Project out of s/his lectures about WWII.
  18. …you send letters to textbook authors demanding that information about Millennium be included in the next edition.
  19. …you write your own textbook, to show them how it’s done.
  20. …you bite people who talk about Alucard from Castlevania, because he is a travesty to the name of Alucard.
  21. …you invent a series of mixed drinks named after Hellsing characters, and convince local bartenders to serve them (“Hey, wanna try a Speared Incognito?”).
  22. …you would sell your soul for a chance to meet Kōta Hirano.
  23. …you order a hat custom-made like Pip’s, patch and all.
  24. …you then refuse to wear it without your black, studded leather eyepatch.
  25. …you stand on street corners downtown holding a sign that says “Buy Hellsing Now!”
  26. …you also take this sign to strikes and protest marches.
  27. …you start saying “Ja”, just because Heinkel does.

A few from Rei Alucard, all true:

  1. …you are now extremely proud that you are part French, part Scottish, part British, and part German.
  2. …when your cat has kittens, you try to name the one you’re keeping “Alucard”.
  3. …and it’s a girl kitten.

This batch is from Goo the Male Integral Cosplayer:

  1. …you really start to resent being brought up Catholic.
  2. …you compare all the characters in other anime to Hellsing ones. (“Kadusuki in Get Backers stole Walter’s weapon!”)
  3. …and then write about those characters meeting.
  4. …convincingly.
  5. …you can’t write the word “integral” in any context without captializing it.
  6. …and you can’t read it without jumping for joy, thinking there’s going to be a discussion about Sir Integral.
  7. …you hold the computer hostage until your brother agrees to watch Hellsing.
  8. …even at the expense of him realizing that the “guy” in the suit you cosplay is female.
  9. …you go through your entire music collection looking for “good Hellsing songs”.
  10. …and then post the list on the Internet.
  11. …and get into heated debates about it.
  12. …and your friends make their own soundtracks based on the songs.
  13. …and you make AMVs with all of them.
  14. …all of your LJ/GJ icons are Hellsing-related.
  15. …you got a paid account just so you could have space for more Hellsing icons. (Doesn’t apply to Greatestjournal users, as they get a thousand icons free.)
  16. …you start to think that a woman in a suit is sexier than a woman in a bikini or lingerie.
  17. …you get a Hellsing-related IM screenname.
  18. …and only speak in-character when signed on.
  19. …you pay your brother $20 to watch all of Hellsing.
  20. …and another ten to find out his favorite characters.
  21. …and get angry when you find out his favorite is from the opposing organization of your favorite.
  22. …you make your blonde-haired, green-eyed American Girl doll cosplay as Enrico, and claim she’s happy to because she’s already Catholic.
  23. …you buy another AG doll with platinum blonde hair, blue eyes, and medium skin, and declare her a Protestant, the other doll’s rival, and an Integral cosplayer. (I am pleading the fifth.)
  24. …you insist that your original character is a canon Hellsing character; it’s just that the story isn’t far enough along to introduce her.
  25. …you are no longer aware of how crazy friends and innocent dōjinshi-ka must think you are.

The self-style Alucard’s vampyric lover wrote these:

  1. …the first picture you drew of Alucard was drawn one minute after you first saw fanart of him, before you knew anything about the rest of Hellsing.
  2. …you’ve completely relinquished all previous obsessions for Hellsing.
  3. …as well as all hobbies.
  4. …as well as silly things like sleeping and eating.
  5. …your life goal is to convert all of your friends into Hellsing fans.
  6. …you spend hours in Borders just reading the manga you can’t afford.
  7. …you argue with your best friend on who is better: Pippin Took or Pip Bernadette? Alucard or “that OTHER vampire she thinks is SOOOOO hot”? Walter or Alfred?
  8. …you tell people that your cherry kool-aid pouches are medical blood packs from your Hellsing employer.
  9. …and give the rest of your lunch to your friends because you “don’t eat that stuff”.
  10. …and they believe you.
  11. …you almost pass out when you hear “Shine” on a local radio station.
  12. …your science notes are covered in doodles of guns.
  13. …even though you have to turn them in.
  14. …you talk to Alucard every night before going to bed.
  15. …when your little sister comes in and complains that there’s a monster under her bed, you tell her to go back to sleep because it’s only Alucard.
  16. …when she says she doesn’t want to go into the bsement because there’s something down there, you reassure her that “Alucard killeed whatever was down there.”
  17. …and she isn’t scared of Alucard, even though he’s a vampire.
  18. …in fact, he’s her imaginary friend.
  19. …yours too.

These are courtesy of Gravedigger Epson:

  1. …you insist that the main villain in the movie Scorpion King is an ancestor of Anderson just because he’s played by Anderson’s voice actor.
  2. …if you accidentally knock off a Japanese girl’s glasses, you immediately start pleading for your life.
  3. …if you see a guy with a whole lot of piercings, you run up to him and ask, “Jan Valentine, may I have your @#!&ing autograph?”
  4. …you go to Sunday school just to learn some cool-sounding prayers for your Hellsing fanfiction.
  5. …you yell at the screen in the theater watching Van Helsing (“Abraham Van Helsing was Protestant!!” “Use your guns, Alucard!!”) and Hellboy (“Oh, come on, Alucard could top that”).
  6. …you study law to find out what would happen if Alucard and Anderson had a lawsuit over the “Jesus Christ is in Heaven (Now)” phrase.
  7. …you become the founder of a religion based on worship of Kōta Hirano.
  8. …it grows to rival Christianity in size.

These are thanks to Alucard of Wallacia:

  1. …you bookmark all of these pages.
  2. …reading over them, you feel guilty that you haven’t done enough.
  3. …you add points to this list within five minutes of reading it.
  4. …in D&D games, you ask the DM if you can create an undead-hunting organization called Hellsing.
  5. …he approves, since you converted him two weeks before.
  6. …you later inspire him to design a class specifically for Walter.
  7. …you take European History to learn more about the WWII backstory.
  8. …you calculate the estimated impact of a blast from the Harkonnen Cannon in physics class.
  9. …you calculate the estimated impact of a blast from the Harkonnen Cannon in your free time.
  10. …you and your girlfriend decide not to display any public affection because the public isn’t ready to see Alexander and Seras as a couple yet.
  11. …you design your own, better version of Incognito.
  12. …your analysis of the part of Tybalt in Romeo and Juliet is “similar to Enrico”.
  13. …you pray to the spirit of the Harkonnen Cannon.
  14. …for sexual advice.
  15. …you convince your little sister to cosplay as Helena.
  16. …you desperately try to convince Elfwood.com that Hellsing art isn’t lowly Fan Art.
  17. …you do extensive research on Vlad “Tepes” Dracula, then reread the manga and take notes on all the tie-ins.
  18. …you only pass your history exam because of your familiarity with words such as “Vatican” and “Paladin”.

These, many of which are true, come from Nighteyes Gwyllgi Siaw:

  1. …you re-read your YKYLHTMW list daily.
  2. …and have made it into a checklist.
  3. …in sewing class, you make a Hellsing-based cushion cover.
  4. …in shop, you make a 3-D hellhound.
  5. …you poke yourself on the neck with sharp things to achieve that perfect bite-mark look.
  6. …all the Catholics in town cross the street if they see you coming.
  7. …every time your cat freaks out, you look for a hellhound.
  8. …you convince yourself that you are the reincarnation of a Hellsing character.
  9. …and start acting like it.
  10. …even if you prefer the organization that the character opposes.
  11. …you sabotage any project with the word “Millennium” in the title.
  12. …and “Century”, just to be safe.
  13. …you are surprised that there’s a folk tale about someone called “Rip Van Winkle”.
  14. …you grill your science teacher about the composition of vampire blood.
  15. …you have smutty pictures on your computer, featuring kinks you wouldn’t otherwise go within fifty feet of, simply because they feature Hellsing characters.
  16. …you buy a cross, although nobody in your family is Christian.
  17. …you paint your room black with red eyes.
  18. …you spend an entire day trying to draw a bayonet.
  19. …you spend time meant for your poetry assignment staring at an image of Alucard and sighing.
  20. …and you are a guy.
  21. …you get a warm fuzzy feeling every time you see Hellsing fanart.

This batch is thanks to D.A.:

  1. …you go to England, buy an overpriced pentagram pendant, and carry it with you always.
  2. …you hold it and ask Alucard for help in bad times.
  3. …you steal silver crosses from churches and ship them to “the Hellsing Organization, England” in hopes that you’ll be rewarded for providing Alucard with ammunition.
  4. …when you receive no answer, you blame it on the Iscariot organization.
  5. …you save up your money to hire an animation company to create a second series of Hellsing.
  6. …you then successfully lobby to have it declared “Best Anime Ever Made.”
  7. …when you lose an argument, you say in a Scottish accent, “We will meet again, Sir Integral Wingates Hellsing.”
  8. …and the person you were arguing with admits that you were right.
  9. …because s/he can see the oversized pie servers in your belt.
  10. …you spend a whole morning trying to convince a new Hellsing fan to ship your favorite pairing.
  11. …you hijack a tour bus and drive it around, looking for Hellsing HQ.
  12. …you give all of your notebooks Hellsing-related subtitles.
  13. …you go to the local Circuit City and ask for a FREAK chip.
  14. …and bother them until they produce something.
  15. …which you then insert into your head.

And these are from Dark Dreamer:

  1. …you legally change your name to Victoria.
  2. …every time Alucard says “Seras Victoria” you turn to mush.
  3. …and then you clip a scene where he says “Victoria” and play it over and over.
  4. …you make a Van Helsing poster with “corrections” (including the extra L).
  5. …you spend countless nights hunting through the TV series and manga for hints of your favorite pairing.
  6. …you look in the WWII section of your bookstore for Hellsing: The Dawn.
  7. …and chew out the manager for not having enough Hellsing.
  8. …no, literally, “chew out”.
  9. …you relate songs to Hellsing and then can only think of things from Hellsing when you listen to them, rather than any original meaning they may have had.
  1. …you understand why this YKYLHTMW has this number.
  2. …and you don’t see anything wrong with counting this way.

This batch is thanks to Stormy Oktober:

  1. …you get geniuinely angry after going through the entire WWII section without finding a mention of Alucard, Walter, the Letze Battallion, or the Millennium Project.
  2. …you run around the house screaming “Pip and Rip never died you lieeeeee!”
  3. …you pounce on shaggy-haired teenage boys, yelling “WHEE SCRÖDINGER!!!”
  4. …you pull off nuns’ glasses in hopes that they’ll whip out a katana on you.
  5. …you are deathly afraid of blonde priests.
  6. …your art teacher yells at you for drawing only Hellsing characters.
  7. …when ignorant people hear “Hellsing” and ask “Like the movie, Van Helsing?”, you have to be forcibly restrained from strangling them. (Erin also pleads the fifth with respect to this one.)

These come from Angel Fish:

  1. …at your birthday party, you take the cake knives and attack, screaming “I am the instrument of God!”
  2. …because your cake was white with the Hellsing organization oath frosted on it in red.
  3. …not at your request, just because your parents know you so well.
  4. …you do the same thing at Thanksgiving with a serving-knife version of Integra’s sword.
  5. …you ruin countless letter-openers by attempting to sharpen them to look like Integral’s from Order 09: Red Rose Vertigo.
  6. …when you succeed, you begin target practice on a dummy of Baobhan Sith.
  7. …that your mother helped make.
  8. …you go through the series over and over just to get the right Disciplines for Alucard’s stats in Vampire: The Masquerade.
  9. …and spend hours debating what clan you want him to be.
  10. …ou go on to create a Changeling: The Dreaming version of Integral, and mourn when she doesn’t measure up to the true one.
  11. …you have involved discussions about the psychology of Alucard.
  12. …and your eavesdropping psych professor is impressed.
  13. …it’s midnight and you aren’t prepared for your class which starts in seven hours, because you were busy explaining Hellsing to a co-worker.

These often true examples are from vaticanassassin:

  1. …when you hear about Pip’s death, you go into mourning for days.
  2. …you were ecstatic when told you needed glasses.
  3. …you got arrested for pulling your model Jackal on goths around town.
  4. …but the police understand and let you go, because you converted them to Hellsing fandom.
  5. …during that incident with the bayonets.
  6. …you catch yourself singing, “When you start the war, fight with bows, spears, and swords!”
  7. …you take French just to be able to understand Pip.

These few come from Damian:

  1. …you take Hellsing quizzes on the Internet and purposely memorize the outcomes until you get every result.
  2. …you search the Internet trying to find the characters in real life (Anderson, the Hellsing family).
  3. …you visit these people’s homes (or graves) and attempt to join their organizations.
  4. …when they won’t let you, you attack their houses with a tour bus.
  5. …you try to catch conjunctivitis (red eye disease).

This batch is courtesy of sean sierra:

  1. …you bicker over whether Seras looks better with blue eyes or red.
  2. …at the end of assignments, you write “Limited release complete.”
  3. …you ask your local priest to set you up with a job in Section XIII.
  4. …you enter knife-throwing contests in hopes of meeting Anderson.
  5. …you won’t get on tour buses until you’ve convinced yourself that they have no fully armed ghouls on them.
  6. …you buy a straitjacket exactly like Bondagecard’s.
  7. …and wear it on a regular basis.

These came from Kyvi the Vampyre Hamster:

  1. …you refuse to do your chemistry project on anyone but Enrico Fermi.
  2. …except Erwin Schrödinger.
  3. …and you plaster pictures of Schrödinger all over the project.
  4. …and get into an argument with your teacher when she doesn’t believe that Schrödinger had cat ears.

And these from ValmotDracul:

  1. …you are chronically sleep-deprived because you’re too busy reading fanfic to go to sleep until at least three AM.
  2. …and, when you’ve read all the fanfic to be found, too busy looking for more.
  3. …and, when you’ve exhausted your search, too busy keeping watch for Alucard.

Some from Chiara:

  1. …you jump for joy whenever you hear the word ‘hell’ or ‘sing’.
  2. …you get a dopey grin on your face whenever you think about the battles.
  3. …as a result, your mother starts to wonder about your sanity.
  4. …you make it a personal goal to get every picture of Hellsing on the Internet.
  5. …you convert the exchange student, and get s/him to swear an oath to spread Hellsing love in s/his home country.
  6. …you turn down an afternoon hanging out with friends just to reread favorite Hellsing fanfics.

And others from DarkPredator:

  1. …your Google search history contains only Hellsing terms.
  2. …your parents have to buy a bigger house in order to store your Harkonnen Cannon replica.
  3. …you wait around the blood bank for a Hellsing truck to come by.
  4. …you get fined for harrassment after calling all the women on the force “Police Girl”.
  5. …you come up with things like the following:
    Someone set us up the FREAK chip
    You are on the way to Integral
    All your blood are belong to us
    Ghouls have no chance to survive make your time
    Luke, I’m your brother
    Luke, I’m your killer

These are from Els the Alucard and Armand Fangirl:

  1. …you send Hirano death threats when Pip dies.
  2. …you assume the fetal position when people discuss Rip Van Winkle.
  3. …you dye your hair black and warn people not to take your glasses off.
  4. …you are very suspicious of anyone with a lot of tattoos.
  5. …you force the school cafeteria to serve very rare meat.

These – mostly true – are from Vikana&Alucard:

  1. …you check your teeth daily in the mirror to see if they’re getting any sharper.
  2. …instead of paying attention in class, you fantasize about Alucard and your Mary Sue.
  3. …you get jealous whenever you see fanart of Alucard hugging Integral.
  4. …to say nothing of Hirano’s art with Alucard holding Integral.
  5. …you insist that Alucard is watching you through mirrors, and have to turn them all towards the wall before you’ll get dressed.
  6. …you laugh maniacally when Alucard kills Rip.
  7. …you make a replica of Rip’s musket and try to shoot “magic bullets” at everything.
  8. …and can’t understand why they never hit what you were aiming for.
  9. …you file your teeth.
  10. …any time you wake up in the middle of the night, you’re sure there was a vampire involved.
  11. …you start seeing grins in shadows.
  12. …you burst out laughing whenever you hear the words “dental floss”.

And these from gene:

  1. …the kids you babysit are trained to call you “Master.”
  2. …people cower at your smile.
  3. …you hate people named Anderson just on principle.
  4. …your whole room is decorated in red and black.
  5. …you have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that there is no British in your ancestry.
  6. …whenever you see a bug or a mouse you scream, “Search and Destroy!”
  7. …you will listen to even the most horrible, off-key guitar player if he’s playing “Shine”.
  8. …after discovering that there’s someone in your town who hasn’t heard of Hellsing, you sit him down and give him a three-hour tutorial.
  9. …you spend a day without sleeping or eating, searching for that perfect Alucard hat.

Written by Els the Alucard fangirl:

  1. …you steal a red trenchcoat.
  2. …you faint when you hear about the OVA.
  3. …you threaten to sic Alucard on your teacher when she says vampires aren’t real.
  4. …you write a collection of short stories entirely about killing Jan with Walter’s floss of doom.
  5. …you write “FLOSS OF DOOM” on the back of all your notebooks.
  6. …and all your floss.
  7. …you apply for a summer job at the Hellsing Organiation.

And these are by theresa@droptail.com:

  1. …you constantly sing “Logos Naki World” at work, over the protests of your co-workers.
  2. …you can watch any episode and recite all the lines with the characters.
  3. …you ride the Eurostar to London and walk up and down the cars looking for Anderson.

A bunch by Ak-Star:

  1. …you design a Hellsing-based RPG.
  2. …and it outsells D&D and Vampire: The Masquerade.
  3. …you make a Hellsing RP on Neopets.
  4. …and don’t get frozen, because you work so hard to get Hellsing-appropriate dialog around the censors.
  5. …you succeed in turning a D&D campaign into a Hellsing mission.
  6. …you make Hellsing modules for all the games you play.
  7. …and when you upload them, they top the download charts.
  8. …you convert your favorite bands to the fandom and get them to play Hellsing music.
  9. …you get your school band to play Hellsing music, after converting your band teachers.
  10. …everything you know, you learned from Hellsing.
  11. …you were hooked the instant you saw the opening.
  12. …even though you live in Nebraska, if anyone says “Go Big Red,” you think of Alucard, not the Nebraska Corn Huskers.
  13. …you can’t look at a cake cutter without thinking of Alexander’s blades.
  14. …you read the whole YKYLHTMW list in one sitting.
  15. …you pray for a Hellsing video game.
  16. …you get glasses tinted like Alucard’s.
  17. …and wear them all the time, even though you can’t see through them.
  18. …you break your glasses in half just to have a monocle.
  19. …you actually injure someone with dental floss.

A few from Alison:

  1. …you come up with backstories for all the characters that don’t get developed much.
  2. …you write a fanfiction series dedicated to each individual character.
  3. …you use Hellsing names for your spouse and children in The Game of Life.
  4. …and The Sims.
  5. …and real life.
  6. …you finally found meaning in your life when you got to be in Shine as a fangirl.

Here are some from Rikiana:

  1. …you don’t even wait for anything Hellsing-related to show up in a conversation before you rant about how inferior everything else is.
  2. …you have completely purged yourself of anything that isn’t Hellsing-related.
  3. …if it’s necessary for survival, you make it Hellsing-related.
  4. …you keep a stash of cash around in case you come across a Hellsing thing you don’t own and need to make an emergency purchase.
  5. …you hand-stiched a quilt covered in anime scenes.
  6. …and it helps you sleep at night.

And here’s a batch from PhasmaRol:

  1. …you’re capable of singing “Logos Naki World” perfectly.
  2. …without the music.
  3. …whenever a character in a non-Hellsing story becomes a vampire, you turn s/his name into an Alucard pun.
  4. …and get mad when people compare said character to Blade instead of Alucard.
  5. …you assume everyone already knows about Hellsing.
  6. …if they claim not to, you assume they’re members of Section XIII, trying to suppress the truth.
  7. …you started donating blood after getting into Hellsing.
  8. …you go to London and are amazed at how well it’s been repaired after the Incognito and Millennium attacks.
  9. …you stalk Victoria Harwood and K. T. Gray (Integral’s and Seras’ voice actors).
  10. …you didn’t have to be told that those were Integral’s and Seras’ voice actors. Duh.

MasterWired starts us off:

  1. …you worship at an Alucard idol.
  2. …if anyone bothers you, you call on your idol to smite them.
  3. …since you don’t have access to actual blood, you offer your Alucard statue tomato juice.
  4. …or, in the Protestant tradition, grape juice.

These are from open_sketchbook:

  1. …you build a trap that drops holy water on people who open your front door.
  2. …you keep communion wafers and holy water in the fridge, just in case.
  3. …your houseguests understand, and do the same.
  4. …you try to get Enrico nominated for Pope.
  5. …you quote scripture at goths.
  6. …and you’re not Christian.
  7. …you accuse the Bible of stealing cool lines from Hellsing.
  8. …and insist that the Vatican issue an official apology for this.
  9. …you watch as many obscure anime (like Victorian Romance Emma) as you can find, trying to understand all of Hirano’s references.
  10. …you submit a freelance news report on the attack on the Hellsing house to CNN.
  11. …it wins a Pulitzer.
  12. …you walk around in a T-shirt that says “Alucard is my Homeboy.”
  13. …until it falls apart.

Fenrir Hirano brings us these:

  1. …you legally change your last name to Hirano.
  2. …you would rather name your cat Incognito than anything not Hellsing-related.
  3. …and it’s a girl cat.
  4. …you refuse to accept any pairing involving Alucard because you think he’s too awesome to be paired with anyone.
  5. …you refuse to accept any pairing involving Alucard because you can’t stand the thought of someone else getting him.
  6. …you wear your entire Alucard cosplay outfit even when it’s ninety degrees out.
  7. …you ignore your commencement address in favor of doodling Hellsing characters.
  8. …except that you look up when the speaker says “integral”.
  9. …you buy the action figures and blame them when you bite people.
  10. …you break into the Alucard grin at random moments.

And these are courtesy of kitsunekami:

  1. …you write “!pip rox!” on your knuckles.
  2. …and your friends’ knuckes.
  3. …and random strangers’ knuckles.
  4. …when people remind you that Pip’s “not real”, you yell at them that they’re just Catholic-loving freaks.
  5. …you call your friends every day to tell them how many days are left until the next volume comes out.

Lady Kitsunia gives us this bunch:

  1. …you visit every jewelry store in multiple states attempting to find the cross Alucard’s biting on the cover of volume 6.
  2. …whenever you hear the name Anderson, you scream “JUDAS PRIEST!” and chase whoever said it.
  3. …you win debates by quoting Alucard.
  4. …you’re on first-name terms with the local Barnes & Noble staff because you keep pestering them about Hellsing.
  5. …you listen to songs that you don’t like just because the lyrics remind you of Alucard.
  6. …you start a club at school for Hellsing fans.
  7. …and most of the school joins.
  8. …and the teachers fight over who gets to supervise it.
  9. …you lobby for a Kōta Hirano class in the syle of J. R. R. Tolkein classes.
  10. …you get one.
  11. …you are hired as its teacher.
  12. …you make a family tree in which you can trace your parentage all the way back to Vlad III Dracula.
  13. …even though you’re Chinese.
  14. …your most heated arguments with your friends are over the spellings of Walter Dornez and Heinkel Wolfe’s last names.
  15. …and hunt down Hirano just to prove that you’re right.
  16. …you hang around tattoo parlors, hoping to find Zorin.
  17. …you hang around casinos, hoping to spot the Dandy.

The following come from Cerberus Incarnate:

  1. …you strike strange poses on the firing range.
  2. …and yell at other people because they can’t hit a target at 500 meters.
  3. …you master a variety of large-caliber weapons in the hopes that you will someday be recruited by Hellsing.
  4. …you injure your wrist trying to shoot a 13mm rifle one-handed, in an attempt to prove that a human can too handle it.
  5. …on the cast you get for said injury, you copy Leif and Jessica’s graffiti.
  6. …under bridges, you copy Leif and Jessica’s graffiti.
  7. …you rant for a good two hours on all the mistakes (and the utter lack of Hellsing or Alucard) in the first seven books of Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles.
  8. …you kept wondering, while reading, when Hellsing would show up and whack Lestat.
  9. …you attempt to calculate which characters, out of Lestat, Marius, Louis, Akasha, and so on, qualify for No-Life-King status.

And these from Sphinx:

  1. …you paint “Speak with Dead” and “Jesus Christ is in Heaven” on the back of your gloves.
  2. …you insist on pronouncing it “tlench coat.”
  3. …you start speaking entirely in an Austrian accent.
  4. …you start speaking entirely in a bad French accent.
  5. …you start speaking entirely in a bad German accent, in which you pronounce half the “V”s as “W”s and half the “W”s as “V”s.
  6. …you save all of your money for a trip to Europe to track down the characters.
  7. …you paint a mural of your favorite character on the side of a building.
  8. …it’s your school building.
  9. …you ruined a lab coat by staining it with stage blood/ketchup/red ink, Doc-style.
  10. …you have mastered the Laughing Nazi Grin.
  11. …you have become a WWII buff.
  12. …you have a Laughing Nazi uniform, boots and all.
  13. …and you’re Jewish.
  14. …while watching WWII documentaries, you scrutinize the crowds for Millennium members.

Courtesy of one Misali the pagan vampire tracker:

  1. …you dye your hair blonde to cosplay as Seras.
  2. …you cut your hair off to cosplay as Alexander.
  3. …when delivering a message, you quote Schrödinger from volume 4.
  4. …you watch Highlander solely to get Alexander’s accent right.
  5. …you aren’t allowed in churches any more because whenever you see a cross you yell “AHH IT BURNS!”
  6. …you spend inordinate amounts of time trying to work out who Alucard hooked up with, and when, to produce the Castlevania Alucard and Vampire Hunter D.
  7. …you accuse your Catholic friends of joining Iscariot.
  8. …while they call you a neo-Nazi for your Millennium fandom.
  9. …”Child-molesting priests? What about all those psycho priests that kill anything that isn’t human? Those are the real problem.”
  10. …you buy CDs with Catholic-bashing songs on them.
  11. …you spend hours trying to put the right words and symbols on pieces of paper to turn them into barriers like Alex’s.
  12. …you call your least favorite teacher “Vatican swine” when you get particularly mad.
  13. …you bow in front of the kid with the long blonde hair and call him “Luke”.
  14. …people come to you on advice for vampire-hunting.
  15. …you try to get anyone named Walter to help you with your homework.
  16. …and make you tea.
  17. …and you’re surprised when it doesn’t taste that good.
  18. …you splurge on a color printer solely to be able to print Seras in color.
  19. …you write a paper attempting to demonstrate that Integral and Sephiroth are related.
  20. …you worry that any company in South American might be affiliated with Millennium.
  21. …you go “IT’S SOOOO CUTE!” upon seeing fiery plane crashes because you expect to see a cartoon bat on the plane.
  22. …you go “IT’S SOOOO CUTE!” upon seeing Nazi plots in WWII movies because you expect to see a cartoon seal on Operation Seelöwe bookets.
  23. …you give up eating for a week to be able to buy an Alucard-style trenchcoat.
  24. …you see red eyes peering at you from strange places.
  25. …you draw up plans to do a Hellsing skit for a talent show.
  26. …you attempt to out-curse Jan.
  27. …you make flowers wilt in the attempt.
  28. …you buy a Hellsing RPG handbook, even though you don’t RP.
  29. …you get jealous of Rip because Alucard bites her.
  30. …you spend hours in distress when you can’t interpret one of the panels in the Luke and Jan omake.
  31. …you destroy a pair of gloves trying to duplicate Walter’s floss tricks.

Hana sends these in:

  1. …you only eat romaine lettuce (because you have to support Alucard’s native land somehow, darnit!).
  2. …you have long and thoughtful debates about the differences between the mangaverse, the TVseriesverse, and the OVAverse.
  3. …you cosplay as the Major in a partly Jewish area.
  4. …and do the Nazi salute.
  5. …and don’t even care when you get arrested, because your vampire henchmen will surely free you.
  6. …it surprises you that there’s no written record of a breed of dog with eight eyes.
  7. …you can say from experience that stage blood doesn’t taste too bad.
  8. …you’ve cosplayed as every single character.
  9. …including Incognito.
  10. …with separate costumes for the TV series, OVA, and manga versions.
  11. …you spend entire afternoons watching the OVA trailer on repeat.
  12. …whenever you see someone in a slutty outfit on the street you pat her on the shoulder and say “God bless you, child” in a Scottish accent.
  13. …you talk to yourself, and explain to the curious that Pip’s soul is now a part of you.
  14. …you have a silversmith craft exact replicas of Alexander’s blades.

And here are some from Adder:

  1. …you dream of being hunted by Alucard.
  2. …and, on waking, sulk all day because he didn’t catch you.
  3. …you sleep with Hellsing manga under your pillow.
  4. …you grin like a maniac whenever your teacher mentions the Maxwell equation in science class.
  5. …you can’t stop thinking about Iscariot while watching Jesus Christ Superstar.
  6. …you announce in religion class that Judas was “only misunderstood.”
  7. …and back up your argument with Cross Fire.
  8. …you seriously consider getting a sex change so you can start a career as a priest.
  9. …and, failing that, seriously think about becoming a nun.
  10. …you never leave the house without a cross in your pocket.
  11. …you try to talk your friends into watching Der Freischütz at the opera house.
  12. …whenever you watch TV, you mutter things like, “If she ever encountered a real vampire…”

A few from Gryphon:

  1. …you laugh maniacally whenever anyone gets cut.
  2. …you spend hours on the Internet snooping for OVA news.
  3. …you preordered the Japanese edition of the first OVA episode six months before it came out.
  4. …you went to Japan to sit outside the studio and wait for it.

Ramona sends these from Norway:

  1. …you force Hirano to make up a new Hellsing character based on you.
  2. …and pair the character up with Alucard.
  3. …and you’re male.
  4. …you sleep with a life-size cardboard Integral in your bed.
  5. …you lose all contact with your home country when you move to Rome to stalk Enrico.
  6. …you threaten to strangle a friend who won’t hurry up and watch the last few episodes.
  7. …you talk to Seras, even though your friends insist there’s nobody there.

J. Totts of Many Worlds provided these:

  1. …you use the Major as a boss in a tabletop RPG.
  2. …you use Ferguson, Nameless Order 07 Chick, and Father Renaldo as NPCs in said RPG.
  3. …you go into government service to track down your country’s equivalent of the Hellsing Organiation.
  4. …when you can’t find one, you become the founder of one.
  5. …you become very confused when neither Hellsing nor Iscariot operatives appear in the opening scene of Hellboy (it starts in Scotland, after all).
  6. …you petition Dark Horse to publish a Hellsing/Hellboy crossover.
  7. …and end up writing one yourself.

August Dominic Leopin gives us these:

  1. …while reading Washington Irving’s Rip van Winkle, you mentally implant Der Fresuchütz references.
  2. …and replace the secondary characters with Millennium members.
  3. …you try to kill a man with a pack of playing cards.
  4. …the debate club has to forcibly remind you that “Alucard vs. Lestat” is not a legitimate debate topic.
  5. …you tell your friends who do recreational hunting that you’ve got them all beat with your magic bullets.
  6. …when asked about your view on the situation in Iraq, you respond with the Major’s “I love war” speech.
  7. …your will explicitly states that your coffin must have the lines from the Ripley Scroll on it.
  8. …you explore the concept of a fourth dimension in the hopes that you too will be able to carry half a million bayonets.
  9. …you’re genuinely disappointed that the pet store doesn’t have any eight-eyed puppies for sale.
  10. …you can play “Logos Naki World” on any existing musical instrument.
  11. …no one will watch Bram Stoker’s Dracula with you, because you won’t shut up about how incorrect the ending is.
  12. …people who spy on you always end up in the nearest sizeable body of water with flags stuck in their backs.

Marilyn is guilty of all of these:

  1. …you stay up until 1 AM for two days in order to finish painting a picture of Hellsing.
  2. …you no longer think you look like a nerd in glasses.
  3. …you christian your lunch table in the name of the Hellsing Organization.
  4. …you shout “SEARCH AND DESTROY!” when somebody mentions preps.
  5. …you scream “IT’S THE JUDAS PRIEST!” when someone who looks like Anderson tries to sit at the table.
  6. …and spend the next ten minutes ranting about how a member of Iscariot should not be allowed to sit at a table christianed in the name of Hellsing.
  7. …after lunch has ended and he’s left, you ponder why he didn’t pull out his knives and kill you for being a supporter of Hellsing.

And Allison is guilty of all of these:

  1. …you’ve taken to calling everyone who disagrees with you a “Protestant sow”.
  2. …in an Italian accent.
  3. …you wrote a research paper on the moral lessons in Hellsing.
  4. …and convinced your teacher to read the first manga.
  5. …and got an A on the paper.
  6. …you write a Hellsing fanfiction in iambic pentameter.
  7. …and have considered writing a Hellsing version of Romeo and Juliet.

More from Rikiana:

  1. …the only way you still go out in the sun is if somebody pushes you outside and locks the door.
  2. …you insist that the only reason you can’t simply go back in through the wall is because the sun restricts your vampiric powers.
  3. …but you end up going through the trap door you built into the basement.
  4. …you’ve blocked up all your bedroom windows because you’re afraid you’ll burn to a crisp when the sun is up.
  5. …you’ve raised the Integral cosplay to such perfection that Alucard cosplayers follow you around.
  6. …alternatively, if you’re an Alucard cosplayer, you follow Integral cosplayers around.

From Destructive Apocalyptic Neuropsychotic Alucard-lover (“Dana” for short):

  1. …at cons, you create a sign that says “WILL YOU MARRY ME MASTER?” and show it to every Integral cosplayer you see.
  2. …and you’re not cosplaying Alucard.

And from Remeth:

  1. …you’ve done everything on this list and are still a fan.
  2. …alternatively, you’ve gone over the list in detail and divided it into “Done That”, “Working On That”, and “Still Need To Try That”.

ForeverSnow brings us the following:

  1. …you audition for American Idol singing “Shine”.
  2. …and qualify.
  3. …and win, after converting the judges to Hellsing fandom.
  4. …even Simon.
  5. …at the next family budget meeting, you ask for a helicopter with sidewinders.
  6. …when wishing someone well, you say, “May God and Her Majesty be with you. Amen.”
  7. …you sneak into classrooms after school and write the Hellsing moto on the boards.

Inara of Effulgent Studios has this to offer:

  1. …the difficulty was not in convincing your fiancé(e) to have an Hellsing-themed wedding, but in deciding whether you will be dressed as Alucard and Integral or Pip and Seras.

Reeku came up with the following:

  1. …you buy jewelry simply because the package says “crusader” or “cross”.
  2. …you start drawing your own ending to Hellsing, because Hirano just isn’t fast enough.
  3. …you can’t talk about anything with a non-fan until you’ve told s/him all about Hellsing.
  4. …you refuse to get contacts.
  5. …you insist that your brother grow out his hair, dye it orange, and braid it.
  6. …you start using British slang.
  7. …convincingly.
  8. …you accuse your dog/cat of being a lycanthrope/chordewa.
  9. …you mention “vampire hunting” on a test, just because the question had “bayonet” in it. (It was about muskets.)
  10. …you cried when Rip died.
  11. Shine is your homepage.
  12. …you get mad at Kim for allowing herself to become Alucard’s snack: how dare she sully that gorgeous beast with her mortal taste?
  13. …you’ve downloaded every single piece of Hellsing hentai you can get your hands on.
  14. …you’re counting up the days until you’re old enough to move out, so you can read Hellsing smut without being grounded.
  15. …you buy even the really icky Hellsing wallscrolls.
  16. …you can’t see the word “Axl” without envisioning chains, whips, leather, and Integral on top.
  17. …the day your little brother made the comment “Police-girl is hot,” you loved it and hung out with him all day.
  18. …you’ve bought several different editions of Vampire Encyclopedias to look up words in Hellsing.
  19. …you will read any Hellsing fanfiction, even if the characters are wildly out-of-character.
  20. …you’re procrastinating for the big test tomorrow because you’re trying to think up more YKYLHTMWs.
  21. …and you no longer remember what the test is on.
  22. …the only thing left on your bookshelf is Hellsing manga.
  23. …you give random people on the street lectures as to why Alucard and Integral should hook up.
  24. …and you don’t feel at all ashamed to admit to any of this.

Miaikon presents these:

  1. …any time you’re asked “What are you doing?” you answer with some variation of “Savoring the joy of this ___ and the next ___ and the next ___ and the ___ thereafter.”
  2. …you learn Der Freischütz by heart.
  3. …even though you live in a country that’s heavily sensitive to WWII themes (say, Germany).
  4. …you have long philosophical discussions with your parents based on your desire to wear Rip’s original necklace.
  5. …you are struck speechless for ten minutes after getting a Seras doll for a present.
  6. …you write poems about Hellsing for class assignments.

Raelin went all-out with these:

  1. …you develop a new attraction to your old, resented suit jacket.
  2. …you wear suits to school.
  3. …you wear red contacts, and insist it’s your natural color.
  4. …you perk up every time you see the word “Protestant.”
  5. …and try to learn everything about the religion.
  6. …even though you’re Wiccan.
  7. …you buy a calculus book, just because it says “integral” a lot.
  8. …you’ve told your little relative Alex, very seriously, that he is the only blond named Alexander that you won’t attack.
  9. …but you will never trust him with knives. Of any kind.
  10. …and you try to keep him ignorant of the Catholic church.
  11. …you play WWII games, so that you can kill some Nazis of your own.
  12. …and are disappointed that you never see Rip or Schrö.
  13. …not to mention the severe lack of vampires in the game.
  14. …you learn to like the scent of cigarettes.
  15. …you flinch when you hear that the forecast for the day is “sunny”.
  16. …you are never seen outside in daylight without a hat, or at least sunglasses.
  17. …you will only let people play your Hellsing-character mix CDs.
  18. …complete with character-specific decorations.
  19. …your favorite line to shoot people down is “Your findings are irrelevant.”
  20. …you spend your class time working on dōjinshi.
  21. …you begin papers with “Releasing control art restriction to level 3, level 2, level 1…”
  22. …your respect for people is entirely based on whether they recognize Alucard at first glance.
  23. …you cried when you got to the end of Dracula.
  24. …even though you don’t believe it.
  25. …you stash weapons in preparation for the upcoming Nazi-vampire invasion.
  26. …including a secret hoard of dental floss.
  27. …you know exactly how many frames Alucard’s appeared in. (You’ve counted.)
  28. …you paint checkerboards on your ceiling.
  29. …you lose sleep over how amazingly awesome Hirano is.
  30. …you have nightmares about Iscariot agents chasing you.
  31. …you can’t see a bat without jumping for joy.
  32. …you get tattoos of Hellsing characters’ initials.
  33. …your present for any given occasion is a custom piece of Hellsing fanart.
  34. …and you can’t understand why some people don’t appreciate it.
  35. …you get upset when fanfics try to make Alucard a romantic.
  36. …even though you’ve pondered it.
  37. …you get upset when fanfics try to make Integral a romantic.
  38. …even though you’ve pondered it.

Reeku returns with this one:

  1. …you start listing more YKYLHTMWs every time you see them.
  2. …even your emoticons wear monocles. (o_Q)
  3. …or eyepatches. (o_ø)
  4. …you spend hours looking over every volume of the manga trying to find every interaction between Alucard and Integral, just to make a romantic relationship seem possible.

KatieKamme@aol.com wrote the following:

  1. …you get frustrated when there’s even one tiny stray line on your Hellsing fanart.
  2. …you wonder why FREAK attacks haven’t been mentioned on Unsolved Mysteries.
  3. …but reason that it’s probably because Integral threatened the producers with her homicidal vampire.

albino_wolf_of_darkness@yahoo.com gives us these:

  1. …you bleach your hair for your Integra cosplay.
  2. …you destroy a perfectly good (and fairly expensive) pair of prescription glasses to make Walter’s monocle.
  3. …you draw Alucard on your gym uniform.
  4. …you get sent to the office for it.
  5. …you’re suspected of witchcraft because you draw Alucard’s sigil (which you have memorized) on everything.
  6. …you greet new people with “introductions are useless” and wish them good night with “guten nacht, Yumiko, guten morgen, Yumie.”
  7. …you understand all the German.
  8. …your nickname is “Sir Hellsing”.
  9. …you stalk Hellsing cosplayers at cons.

Ashreila is responsible for the following:

  1. …you type “Millennium Project” into every search engine you can think of, hoping to find new information to help Hellsing.
  2. …you actually find some.
  3. …your mixed heritage, which can be used to show allegiance to just about any religion or nationality, is a new source of pride (or relief).
  4. …you refuse to have an annual physical, for fear that the physician knows Doc.
  5. …you take a theology course to try to find out what’s going through Anderson’s mind.
  6. …you scour both Sister Act movies for Yumiko cameos.
  7. …you cannot think of a better feminist role model than Integra.
  8. …regardless of time of day, when someone asks you about the weather, you say “It’s a perfect night.”
  9. …or “Today the Hellsing manor will have a rain of blood.”
  10. …you take pride in the fact that you sunburn easily, because it must mean you’re part vampire.
  11. …you get a job at a bakery just to get at the pie servers.
  12. …and are severely disappointed when you find that you can’t take them home.
  13. …and lose your job when you get caught taking them anyway.

And Ashreila she returns with these:

  1. …you blame all of your typos on viruses that Millennium has put on your computer.
  2. …you petition the Smithsonian to open a wing for Hellsing art.
  3. …the first thing on your grocery list is always “tea”.
  4. …followed by “tomato juice”.
  5. …you refuse to address your little cousin Alex by his name; it’s always “Judas Priest” or “Angel Dust”.
  6. …and you get in trouble for encouraging him to play with knives.
  7. …you draw a chibi hellhound in the corners of book pages to mark your place.
  8. …you get a pet parrot so that you can have lines from Hellsing recited at you all day.
  9. …you buy Judas Priest albums solely for the name of the band.

And M’Kay for these:

  1. …you conveniently “forget” that vampiric reproduction is a controversial subject, and just talk about making babies with Alucard.
  2. …after seeing the first episode of the OVA, you fall to the floor kicking and screaming for the next one.
  3. …you endlessly prowl YouTube for new trailers.
  4. …you put your fist through a window when the manga volume you ordered doesn’t show up on time.
  5. …and it’s coming from halfway across the globe.
  6. …you print out Hellsing pictures and distribute them at school.
  7. …you get realistic bite marks tattooed on your neck.

Courtesy of Knightblazer:

  1. …you read every piece of fanfiction online, up to and beyond NC-17.
  2. …even though you are clearly underage.
  3. …you start flinching at the number 13.
  4. …you will read any novel, no matter how bad, so long as it has vampires in it.
  5. …you save multiple fan translations of the manga.
  6. …even though you already bought every licensed volume.
  7. …which you bought by starving through lunch for two solid months to save the money.
  8. …and you bring them wherever you go, be it school, across the country, or next door.
  9. …you start talking to yourself, knowing that Alucard will respond.
  10. …even though you live in a place that gets year-round sun.
  11. …you write songfics for other fandoms with the lyrics from Der Freschütz.
  12. Hellsing creeps into all of your fanfiction, even Pokémon.

Courtesy of ultimatereaper666@yahoo.com:

  1. …you call your girlfriend “Master”.
  2. …you routinely mistake ketchup for blood.
  3. …you shout at people who don’t know what Hellsing is.
  4. …even your parents.
  5. …you can slip naturally into Anderson’s accent.
  6. …you try to fight anyone who owns an Acura Integra.
  7. …every time you see “integral” in a math book, you look around for Alucard.
  8. …and begin to think you’re reading his diary.
  9. …and run away with the book.
  10. …you’ve stayed up all night explaining the relationship between Alucard and Integral to your acolytes.
  11. …you give your skateboard a Hellsing paint job.
  12. …you buy a skateboard for the sole purpose of giving it a Hellsing paint job.
  13. …and frame it.
  14. …you won’t do any assignment that has thirteen sections.
  15. …you hiss at your Catholic friends.
  16. …you insist that people address you with the title “Sir”.
  17. …you have Shine memorized.
  18. …and Logos Naki World – the sounds, at least, if not the meaning.
  19. …you ask your computer security company to change its name to Hellsing.

These are by felinaofl2@aol.com:

  1. …you’re elated that your room in your new house is in the basement.
  2. …you insist that your room in your new house be in the basement.
  3. …even though it’s not finished yet.
  4. …you get a pet bat and name it Alucard.
  5. …when you learn that it’s actually a girl, you rename it Girlycard.
  6. …you turn into a puddle of happiness when your boyfriend imitates Alucard’s voice.
  7. …you convince your little sister to cosplay Girlycard.
  8. …you cosplay as young Walter, even though it means carrying around a full-size coffin.

And Bri the Alu-kun Fangirl was kind enough to come up with these:

  1. …you buy a copy of Dracula solely to look for Alucard references.
  2. …you insist on calling your blonde, tan friend Integra.
  3. …though she’s never been to England.
  4. …you insist on calling your girlfriend “Mignonette.”
  5. …or, depending on your favorite pairing, “English sow.”
  6. …you have convinced your boyfriend that “Alu-kun” is Japanese for “darling”.

Ashreila brings us this batch:

  1. …you pester a local butcher to squeeze blood off of a cut of beef and splash it on a lab coat nicked from a teacher supply store.
  2. …you insist that your optometrist add extra lenses to your glasses.
  3. …you start replying to everything with “…”
  4. …you jot notes in the margins of your camping guidebook: pack extra holy water and communion wafers, make sure you salute the wolves, and cheese wire can save your life.
  5. …you carry a cheap drugstore umbrella even on sunny days.
  6. …your first tattoo is a star smack in the middle of your forehead.
  7. …you only get tattoos on the right side of your body.
  8. …you refuse to eat at the local Starbucks until they start serving Maxwell House brand coffee.

From Pemra, the craziest Hellsing fan she knows:

  1. …your English teacher insists on calling you “vampirella” or “draculina”.
  2. …and tells people to close the curtains because daylight causes you trouble.
  3. …you spend lunch looking at cosplay pictures of your favorite pairings on DeviantArt.
  4. …even after the bell rings.
  5. …and your teachers don’t even bother asking why you’re late any more.
  6. …you listen to RAID and RUINS to sleep at night.
  7. …and spend your free time trying to play them.
  8. …even though you don’t have sheet music.
  9. …you get the highest grades in German class because of all the words you learned from Der Freischütz.
  10. …you pester your dentist to give you fang-shaped fillings.
  11. …she relents.
  12. …you hate the Ottoman Empire and the Turks for what the Sultan did to the Prince of Wallachia, a.k.a. Alucard.
  13. …and you’re a Turk.
  14. …your aunt and uncle are furious that you made your cousins watch your copies of the Hellsing OVAs.
  15. …because there’s not enough room in their bed for all the hiding kids.
  16. …but you defend yourself by saying that they wanted it so badly.
  17. …which is the plain truth, because you converted them long ago.
  18. …you convince your anime club to show Dracula, even though it’s not an anime (or even school-appropriate), so that they can understand all the allusions.

From oozora.no.nogusa@gmail.com:

  1. …You start saying war with a ‘v’ because you’ve recited Major’s speech so many times.
  2. …You hated Seras in the fourth volume because she got to drink Integra’s blood.
  3. …Little Integra is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen, especially in that scene when she’s blackmailing Penwood in the OVA.
  4. …You’ve seriously contemplated the best way to get a hug from Integra and decided that–while you’ll probably die, it’ll be totally worth it.
  5. …You get sent to hospital with a heart attack whenever someone calls Integra and Rip guys because they totally aren’t. You can tell from the curve of their faces.
  6. …Nothing can convince you that Walter actually betrayed Hellsing. He was just brainwashed by Dok, that’s all.
  7. …You’ve started to find the amount of blood that pours out of vampires funny, and actually wondered how many pints it is; and how many people that means they fed on.
  8. …Upon first seeing Anderson, you thought of Wolverine, but now you agree that Anderson is so much better–even though you follow The Hellsing Organization.
  9. …You’ve attempted to do Rip’s curly-cue and cried when it wouldn’t stay up.
  10. …You only wish that Rip would sing to you, or at you, and have actually calculated multiple ways of getting it to happen–or at least close enough to hear her sing. All of them end in death, but that’s okay. Alucard can bring you back to life.
  11. …Actual Germans understand your German accent perfectly. And you’ve never been to Germany.
  12. …You understand Quantum Physics now, because you just had to know everything related to Schrödinger. And now you wonder where Dok hides Schrö’s box; because he has to have one.
  13. …The only reason you don’t have all ten manga, and every ova, and all the episodes is lack of money and you’re pretty sure they wouldn’t let you have them in prison.
  14. …You’ve managed to convince yourself that you don’t need to sleep–Hellsing makes up for the lack.
  15. …You’ve made a Hellsing crossover with Harry Potter…and converted HP fans with it.
  16. …You listen to German music over and over trying to pick up an accent.
  17. …People called you crazy and you thought it was a compliment, because–after all–Alucard, Rip, Anderson, Major, and Dok are crazy and those are some of your favourite characters.

From darkmoonchild@hotmail.com:

  1. …you practically alter all the descriptions Stoker has for Dracula by instead placing Alucard’s Dracula form in its place.
  2. …your school computer has a Hellsing background on it.
  3. …you know Jan completely said the ’30 lives’ cheat code for Konami during the OVA.
  4. …you dress like Girlycard on a daily basis.
  5. …you’ve read YKYLHTMWY’s entire list, and the majority of them are true, and the rest you’re working on.
  6. …you’ve convinced your friends that they are Hellsing characters and that they are cosplaying with you.
  7. …the voices in your head have started to sound more and more like your favorite Hellsing characters.
  8. …you’re trying to come up with more YKYLHTMWY reasons to beat your friend who is above this post.
  9. …you hand-make all your Hellsing material.
  10. …you build Alucards coffin from scratch and regard it as your last domain.
  11. …you hand embroider both Seras’ patches, and it takes you a grand total of eight days. You have no need to eat or sleep during this time—it’s just a pesky habit you have yet to break.
  12. …you now have the tendency to look at people’s necks and wonder what their blood taste like.
  13. …you now have a condescending respect for your higher ups.
  14. …your best friend has started calling you ‘Master’.
  15. …you believe Stephenie Meyer will die by the hands of Alucard.

From taylormt@zoominternet.net:

  1. …you have tried to assassinate Stephenie Meyer.
  2. …and the authorities don’t complain, because you got to them first and explained.
  3. …you love fantasizing about how Alucard would hang Edward’s head from the dungeon ceiling to serve as mood lighting.
  4. …you think Alucard was the reason that the Children of Darkness fell apart.
  5. …you think the world would end if Alucard and Akasha hooked up.
  6. …however, that doesn’t stop you from writing fanfiction about it.
  7. …and creating your own site for it, because FanFiction.Net will not allow any Vampire Chronicles fanfiction.

More from taylormt@zoominternet.net:

  1. …you inform the Vatican that a master vampire has been living safely in Venice for hundreds of years and demand to know why Section XIII has not acted, along with a private audience with Archbishop Enrico Maxwell.
  2. …and when they suggest you go to a therapist, you try to taunt them by saying that Hellsing has mobilized.
  3. …and call them “Iscariot scum” when you hang up.
  4. …you submit a paper to the American Psychological Association disproving the mental problems of Alucard, the Major, and Anderson.
  5. …you are given a teaching position at Oxford to lecture on the merits of Hellsing.
  6. …your therapist talks to Alucard with you.

Mrs. Tepes has done each and every one of these:

  1. …you bring reference pictures and at least four of the manga to a salon so you can get your hair done like Alucard’s.
  2. …and you’re a girl.
  3. …you have a “Duck Season!”/”Rabbit Season!”-like conversation with your boyfriend, and wind up making a deal with him that you will go as Alucard and he will go as Seras.
  4. …you try to figure out where Alucard keeps his guns, in order to do the same thing with your cosplay outfit.
  5. …then remember that you have a relative at a police staition/jail who may be able to borrow a double sholder holster for you.
  6. …you start calling your big shaggy black dog Alupuppy (even if he’s not all black) and avoid petting his head until you’ve checked to be sure that he doesn’t have six extra eyes.
  7. …you develop the urge to bite your boyfriend when kissing/making out, and want him to bite you back.
  8. …you start looking up everything you can about Dracula land re-read the manga over and overl so that when you cosplay you can stay in character and even answer questions/spill out facts.

A couple from valafar:

  1. …you have your friend create an Anderplant and parade him around in a bag.
  2. …you make one for your friend and then water him.

Thought up by Wendy:

  1. …you remember an old favorite song/band by watching Hellsing AMVs on YouTube.
  2. …you find a new favorite song/band by watching Hellsing AMVs on YouTube.
  3. …you listen to a song even though you hate it, just because someone made a Hellsing AMV out of it. (Specifically “Bringing Sexy Back” done as an Alucard tribute.)
  4. …you get in an argument with your husband about how unprofessional it would be to have an Alucard resin statue on your desk at work, and you still think it’s just because he’s jealous.
  5. …you’re hoping that if you ask for BOTH the Integra and Alucard statues, maybe hubby will relent and buy them for you.
  6. …part of your daily routine is stalking on DeviantArt to see if they’ve posted any new Hellsing art.
  7. …you check SHINE every morning for the Hellsing and Sailor Hellsing updates, AT WORK, even before clocking in or checking your business emails.
  8. …you cried when your company’s spam filters were updated to block DeviantArt and all your favorite fanfic sites.
  9. …you buy a internet-compatible phone just so you can still read fanfic at work.
  10. …you will read any Hellsing fanfic to get your fix, including OOC stories, original characters, songfics, and poems.
  11. …you email authors of your favorite Hellsing fanfic series, begging for a fix.
  12. …out of utter desperation, you started WRITING fanfic.
  13. …even OOC stories, original characters, songfics, and poems.
  14. …and of course…. you write YKYLHTMW’s at work.

Courtesy of meedredmeat:

  1. …you know that all the chapter titles of the manga are video game titles.
  2. …you don’t talk to your friend for a few days after he bends the cover of one of your Hellsing books.
  3. …you can’t get attached to any other anime, because you feel that that would be betrayal.
  4. …You actually spent the 20-something dollars to get the little figurines of Alucard and Anderson and keep the packaging they were shipped in, knowing and treasuring the fact that these boxes were in Japan at one point.
  5. …and you can spend at least fifteen minutes on end staring at them.
  6. …you can’t bring yourself to watch any movie adaptation of Dracula, because Dracula never looks like Alucard.
  7. …you make it your personal mission to create a hellsing cult at your school before you graduate.
  8. …everything you read in English somehow relates back to Hellsing.
  9. …you spend great amounts of time coming up with Walter’s background.
  10. …you get angry when Walter’s last name is spelled “Dollneaz” instead of “Dornez”.
  11. …and you end up muting the TV whenever somebody says his last name in the OVAs.
  12. …you want to have Walter as your grandfather.
  13. …yet you also secretly wish you could travel back in time and hit on Young Walter.
  14. …you want to personally direct The Dawn anime, because you have your own ideas as to how it should go, despite what anyone else says.
  15. …you become extremely distressed when someone brings up their opinion that Walter betrayed Hellsing.
  16. …the premise of Chibi Vampire eludes you completely, because there’s no Alucard lopping people’s heads off.
  17. …you judge all music on how well it could be made into a Hellsing AMV.
  18. …you research the history of the name of every character and are disappointed when you discover that nobody else has ever named their child Integra, as far as the statistics know.
  19. …you know the entire background on the original Operation Sea Lion.
  20. …you strongly believe that Alucard is the answer to this child-molesting priest business.
  21. …the Billy and Mandy version of Dracula makes your brain come to a grinding halt.
  22. …you make miis out of all the characters, then make Alucard and Anderson fight each other in dogfight mode on Wii Sports Resort.
  23. …then you make them beat each other up in swordplay mode just to watch Anderson go tumbling into the water every time.
  24. …you struggle endlessly to make your Xbox 360 avatar look like Girlycard or the Major, despite the fact that you don’t have Live.
  25. …you think about all the ways Alucard would attack a blood donation truck every time there’s a blood drive at school or the library.
  26. …you know the year that nearly every character was born on and know that Wikipedia is WRONG!!
  27. …you find yourself perfectly justified in cussing because Jan does it.
  28. …you insist on buying Maxwell House coffee.
  29. …you know the names of obscure hats like the pillbox hat and the Australian slouch hat.
  30. …you find nothing wrong with romance between young Integra and Alucard, despite the fact that it could be considered pedophilia.
  31. …you are completely firm in your decision as to whether Heinkel is male or female…and nobody is gonna change your mind. Nobody.
  32. …you can translate Der Freischütz.
  33. …you think in a London accent.
  34. …you start mentally quoting Jan when you’re feeling particularly badass.
  35. …your drawings of the characters start getting on everything from your history homework to your math test.
  36. …you start jumping up and down excitedly when you hear Crispin Freeman’s voice in another anime.
  37. …you wonder how Crispin Freeman can look so much like Robert Pattinson, and finally come to the conclusion that it’s “a vampire thing”.
  38. …then you notice that both the aforementioned resemble Elvis during the 50’s. Elvis become a vampire in your mind.
  39. …you want more than anything for your school orchestra to play some of the songs from the OVAs.
  40. …you can’t go anywhere without at least one of the books on hand.
  41. …you pester your friends into reading/watching Hellsing, even if it takes months.
  42. …you would love to do your next literary analysis paper on Hellsing because you can prove its literary value with your long list of theses pertaining to feminism, human qualities and warfare.
  43. …your Christmas wish list consists mainly of Hellsing stuff.
  44. …you’ve seen every single Solid & Etc. picture and saved the vast majority of them to your computer, all meticulously organized by character.
  45. …and then proceed to learn Japanese with the sole intent of figuring out what the little chibi comics are saying.
  46. …you secretly hope Alucard will show up when you get a cut.
  47. …you denounce Call of Duty’s originality by saying that Hellsing had nazi zombies first.
  48. …you take pictures of black dogs that resemble Alucard (puppycard).
  49. …you try to imitate some of Alucard’s expressions, even though you only end up making your facial muscles hurt.
  50. …you have decided that if you are diagnosed with a terminal illness, you are going to the Make A Wish foundation and requesting a trip to Poland to hear the Warsaw Philharmonic play the OVA music.
  51. …you’re more open to strange pairings than you would have been if you hadn’t read all that smut.
  52. …you draw pictures of what you think Pip and Seras’ baby would look like.
  53. …you are thoroughly convinced that Alucard would beat Sebastian to a pulp.
  54. …you’ve read Hirano’s other works, despite the fact that they’re badly drawn hentai, just so you can see the early versions of Pip, Anderson and other characters.
  55. …you pull up the Adachi Ward on Google Earth.
  56. …you lament over the fact that you don’t live close enough to Hirano to be his assistant whenever you see the little side notes in the books.
  57. …you curse Dark Horse Comics for screwing up Walter’s dialogue, but buy the books anyway.
  58. …you’re too busy drawing Hellsing pictures to sleep on a school night.
  59. …you endlessly ponder what the phrase “clockwork giant pandas” might mean.
  60. …you bitterly despise Encyclopedia Dramatica because of their entry on Hellsing.
  61. …you are convinced that Dr. Mengele stole Walter’s nickname.
  62. …when it comes to WWII history, you have little to no interest in the eastern front and prefer to learn about the western front in hopes of making a reference to The Dawn.
  63. …you figure that the reason Winston Churchill never said anything about Hellsing was because he was sworn to secrecy.
  64. …you have decided that Alfred no longer counts as a butler because he doesn’t kick enough butt or serve enough Ceylon tea.
  65. …you are surprised when Google Images pulls up images of the fairytale Rip Van Winkle instead of the Nazi vampire.
  66. …you reply with “jawohl” instead of “yes”.
  67. …Van Helsing no longer counts as a movie; it’s only a cheap knockoff of Alucard’s greatness.
  68. …you cried over Pip and Walter’s deaths.
  69. …you know exactly what a Hellsing video game would be like.
  70. …you pretend to be Alucard whenever you drink a Capri Sun.
  71. …you imitate Anderson’s speech (“if anyone does not so love the lord,” etc…) in the original Japanese version at the top of your lungs.
  72. …you know all about the Ripley Scroll and can spend long hours wondering how it might relate to Hellsing.
  73. …you refuse to buy the OVAs unless they are the limited edition version that comes in the steelbook case.
  74. …your internet browser and word processing program no longer think that ‘Hellsing’ isn’t a real word.
  75. …you look back over your entire YKYLHTMW list and wonder if you need therapy…

All done in real life by Kreznomaar:

  1. …you get angry because you can’t make your alarm clock play Gradus Vita.
  2. …you acknowledge that Alucard lives in your closet.
  3. …and you’re perfectly fine with this.
  4. …you do a double take when you see anyone walking by in a grey, red, or green trenchcoat.
  5. …you have vivid (and strange!) Hellsing-related dreams.
  6. …and get mad when you wake up from them.
  7. …you let your hair grow really long and learn how to braid it.
  8. …you start learning to sew for the sole purpose of owning every single character’s outfit at some point.
  9. …you no longer feel bad about eventually needing to get glasses.