Which Minor Hellsing Character Are You?

If you take a typical "Which Hellsing Character Are You?" quiz, you get an answer like "Alucard" or "Integra." Which is all well and good, but what if you have more in common with someone less important?

This quiz will let you know which of the background, incidental, and/or insignificant characters (as found in the Hellsing TV anime) fits you best.

1. You're walking down the street when you hear . . . a scream! What do you do?

Go investigate. Whatever's happening, you want the news first!
Keep walking, say nothing, do nothing, look expressionless.
Keep walking. Wouldn't want to mess up your hair, after all.
Keep walking. It has nothing to do with you.
Go check it out. Maybe you can help whoever screamed.
Go check it out. Maybe you can help cause even more screams.
Put your hand on your cell phone and approach cautiously, ready to dial 911.
Walk on, but allow yourself a small, knowing smile.
You're causing the screams! With nothing more than your sick and twisted appearance.

2. You ended up walking in on the scene of the scream. It's a mugging in progress, but the mugger hasn't noticed you yet. What do you do now?

Challenge the mugger. Be condescending about it. You can take 'im.
Find a place to hide and start making notes. You can use them to tell other people what to watch out for.
Turn tail and run. Fast.
Watch, enthralled . . . if the mugger turns on you, pull out your gun and plug 'im.
Call 911. Get the people who can actually help on the job.
Stand there, say nothing, do nothing, look expressionless.
Give the mugger that oh-so-sensual smile you're so good at, while looking unthreatening at the same time. Bam - you're in control of the situation.
Cause the mugger to start screaming. Because you just look that bizarre.
Yell something out of an action movie and strike a karate pose. You actually CAN do karate, though! Really!

3. Well, that's over. Now you can get back on your way to . . . say, where were you going, anyway?

The mall. You wheedled some extra cash out of your parents (via pouts, pleads, and a minor tantrum).
The salon. You have a very important appointment regarding the upkeep of your ultra-suave ponytail.
A small bar or nondescript back alley, where you're scheduled to get the inside scoop on a recent (and slightly gory) event.
Where you were told to go. Expressionlessly.
Home. You've had enough of people for today.
Work. You're more or less in control there, though, so you never do any "work" that you don't enjoy.
Your secret underground cavern, in which you eat babies.
Downtown, where you can be justified in shooting people because they shoot first.
Door to door, to pass out fliers for the upcoming [insert your favorite religion here] political rally.

4. It's been a long day (or night, as the case may be), and you just got home when the phone rings. Uh-oh: it's the person who annoys you most . . .

...your big sister. And she has the nerve to call YOU annoying! Where did she get THAT idea?
...your 'boss'. Doesn't the silly little man realize that he has no REAL power over you?
...some do-gooder, probably Catholic, who wants to impress all of their views on you. Haven't they ever heard of freedom of choice?
...someone who's jealous of you and deals with it by harrassing you. As if you can stop being smart.
...someone who's jealous of you and deals with it by harrassing you. Just because you're more handsome than they are, and you know it.
...your boyfriend/girlfriend. They're so pesky when they want to talk! You only keep them around for the sex.
...the police. They want to do another investigation. Like it's your fault you can't be bothered to check the safety on your guns all the time.
...the family members of somebody you killed. Don't they even appreciate the artistic arrangement of the remains?
...actually, nobody annoys you that much, really. In fact, nobody compels any emotion from you at all.

5. You get out of that conversation quickly, and hang up. Good! Now you can . . .

...prowl the streets, looking for something that you can lure to its doom.
...get back to work on that new tattoo you're giving yourself.
...watch TV. Specifically, the news. The daytime news only shows the tame stories.
...go out again! You gotta party! And show off how your nice new clothes flaunt your curves, of course.
...go out, get drunk, and wake up in jail with a bloody jacket and no memory of the night's events.
...finish that book you were reading.
...get a good night's sleep. Got to get up bright and early tomorrow morning!
...get your beauty sleep. Can't charm the ladies with bags under your eyes.
...sit around doing nothing, saying nothing, until you fall asleep.

6. Somehow you get enough sleep and wake up refreshed and relaxed on Sunday morning. Your plan of action for the day?

Church, or the equivalent, in the morning. Then your theology class, then some political recruiting.
Go out. Buy some ladies free drinks. See how many hearts you can break.
Go out. Flirt. See how many free drinks you can get. Pout if you don't get your way.
Get the week's shopping out of the way, read the newspaper, go out looking for gossip.
Do whatever you're told. Expressionlessly.
Roam the streats; beat some losers up. Hook up with your boyfriend/girlfriend for some quality time, in the sense that "time" means "sex."
Lounge about. Go shopping and talk a salesperson into giving you an outfit at half price, because it just goes so well with your wonderfully sensual shoulders. Dinner at a classy restaurant.
Eat some nails, just to find out what they taste like. Burn down a house. Hide out in your underground cave afterwards.
Read. Have some quiet meals by yourself. Read. Maybe write a bit. Read some more.

7. Well, so much for a normal day. Somebody's dangling your loved one and a busload of kids over a cliff, and forcing you to pick which one they drop. What do you do?

Save the kids. Your loved one will understand.
Save your loved one. The kids would have done the same if they grew up and were in this situation.
Save your loved one. Who cares about those brats?
Walk away. You can always get another loved one, and who cares about those brats?
Say nothing. Do nothing. Look expressionless.
Stall for time while dialing 911 behind your back. You aren't equipped to deal with this on your own.
Pretend you have no idea how sultry that 'nervous' motion of your legs is, then walk up while being very distracting and entice this "someone" person to release both loved one and kids. Just because you can.
Shoot this "someone" person. Oh, wait, that made him drop both? Oops.
Laugh maniacally and walk away.

8. News of this incident reaches Mom, who immediately calls to make sure you're all right. What do you tell her?

Nothing. In fact, it's entirely possible that you don't have a voice.
"Any quick-thinking person would have done the same."
"Oh, well, it was nothing really - any good person would have done the same. Not that I'm an exceptionally good person, I mean, I'm about average, but even so . . ."
"I was completely in control of the situation the whole time."
"Yes, aren't I cool? The press conference is tomorrow, and I'm getting a medal . . ."
"It doesn't matter; don't you ever watch the news?? Worse things than this are happening, and they require public attention NOW! So hop to it!"
"I need more money. I don't have anything to wear!"
"I need more money. I don't have anything to shoot with!"
"I burned off part of my tongue."

9. Jackpot! Mom sent you a package, and it's exactly what you wanted! It's . . .

...that bestseller you were planning to read, the one with the good plot AND the deep philosophical overtones.
...a subscription to GQ. You always did empathize with those gorgeous models.
...a state-of-the-art video camera. No more note-taking for you!
...toys. To share with the kids at the orphanage. Really!
...something really expensive that you convinced her you had a use for. Bah. It was a whim.
...a really big gun.
...a chainsaw.

10. Well, it's finally happened. You - yes, YOU! - have gotten Sir Integral Wingates Hellsing in a compromising position. Whatcha gonna do?

Nothing. You'll let somebody else do the dirty work - but hey, there's no shame in just watching . . .
Let someone else deal with her. You're off to challenge Alucard. You can take 'im!
Do nothing. Say nothing. Look expressionless.
Something unspeakable. Let's just say it involves your very pointy head.
Order your boyfriend/girlfriend to take care of her. You don't want to get your nice new jeans dirty.
Mock her mercilessly. She always thought she was so great . . . well, who's laughing NOW?
Let her go. You're not really interested in getting on Alucard's bad side.
Shoot her. Oh, the joy.
First take off the pin, then the scarf, then start on the jacket buttons . . . oh, Alucard? He's, shall we say, otherwise occupied . . . heh heh heh . . .

Quiz code copied (with permission) from the now-defunct Muted Faith.