2008: Getting Sick of Fangirls

The fifth fangirl storyline. Integra's sick, so it's a good thing she's not a target this time. The fans swarm to Alucard, his hat, and Schrödinger...or at least, someone who looks like him. Eventually, they're defeated by catboy battle squee, although by that point Hellsing has other things to worry about.

This year, the word to include somewhere in the application email was "bulldozer."

Alucard's Hat

World's niftiest headgear. Possibly stolen by Carmen Sandiego. Its fan:

fangirlName: AtticusBlackwolf
Personality: I can be quite cheerful and I like to bake and cook. People who come visit me at my house always get asked "you hungry?" I have wierd tastes in music and have also been described as eclectic.
Wants to see Alucard's hat: be compleately awesome just staying on alucard's head. 'cause it's awesome and a hat. It is an awesome hat
Rant: It’s Alucard’s HAT!! It is the full embodiment of awesome in hat form. I’m so glad I got here before my friend. She wanted to KIDNAP you my darling and make you give her fedora babies. I will never let that happen!!!! NEVER!! Oh you’re so awesome. *snuggle* you’re so much softer then I thought you’d be. I can just sit here for hours! *snuggle* Did I mention you’re so awesome! If you where human I would shower you with baked goods. You can be the object of eternal affections! I even made a guest comic about you!
Miscellaneous: DeviantArt


Still the coolest. His fans:

fangirlName: Elena Marie
Personality: I'm actually rather laid back. I suppose it comes from being raised in Los Angeles. I like being mellow. Let other people fight over trivial things. I'll read a book or play a video game. Although, I prefer reading about history or philosophy. I'm an atheist through and through, although I'm very open about what people choose to believe in. It does me no harm, so why should I take issue with it? I don't lie to people about my being an atheist either. I feel it's in poor taste to lie about something others take very seriously just to make a new friend or get ahead in life.
Wants to see Alucard: Ride a bulldozer! I joke. I for one would like to see him being so perturbed by the fan girls/boys he builds a machine to finally get rid of them once and for all, only it goes horribly wrong. And...uh...well, turning into a child is cliche and we've just had gender swapping not to long ago...so...perhaps it allows the fan girls/boys to multiply like amoebas? That's kind of frightening to be honest. Most fangirls/boys scare me. So loud and active they are. Yes. The machine backfires and mutates the DNA of the fans and they start to take the mansion by storm, pelting all those who defy them with the objects of their choice. I'd choose miniscule editions of books written by Tolstoy or Dotstoyevsky. That'll knock someone off their feet.
Rant: Well, who wouldn’t like him? For one thing, he’s as immortal as one can get. True immortality is impossible, but he’s still pretty damn immortal. And those guns pack a punch. Not to mention he’s a real historical figure. A rich, fearsome Wallachian prince that gave those nasty Ottomans a run for their damn money. You wanna attack me? Then come walk through this lovely field of your own impaled soldiers! What’s not to love? Gotta love a man who wields such power and respect. All that money he must have stored somewhere is good too.
Miscellaneous: Umm...I have four cats and I'm considered a budding crazy cat lady? Or that my friends joke about how I was a turtle in a past life?

fangirlName: Aurora
Personality: Usually I'm fairly reserved around people I don't know or in classes. But with my friends I typically get sugar high and extremely hyper. So I guess I'll describe my hyper attitude since that's the one most likely to come through the fangirl portal. Random, extremely so, very excited and sometimes a little too loud.
Wants to see Alucard: Actually get somewhere in the AxI pairing. That would be nice. HE SHOULD BECOME A CAT BOY! Get little fake cat ears and wear them around and teleport to random places and be all like, "I'm everywhere and nowhere!" ...And I wouldn't mind him shooting Maxwell.
Rant: ALUCARD IS SO AWESOME! He and Integra are obviously the best characters in the series and he should totally end up with her in the end. And his guns are so cool! And he would make such an incredibly cute and awesome cat boy! NO KIDDING! CATUCARD!! And he's so awesome right now, but think of how much more irresistible he'd be if he were a CAT BOY! And, other than him being awesome if he were a cat boy, he's the most intimidating and magnificent vampire in the whole series! I mean, look how easily he destroys all the other idiots!
Miscellaneous: Well, now that you ask, my friend and I do have this awesome YouTube show called The Bored on YouTube show. You should totally check it out. ...The second episode is much more amusing than the first. Believe me. Anyway...*looks around* COOKIE! *runs off in search of cookie*

fangirlName: Brooke
Personality: Which one? My friends say I’m either extremely hyper and happy, or on rare occasions so quiet and almost emo it scares them sometimes, I have the ability to terrify people with a single look, which I am extremely flattered my friends have likened to Integra’s, and I switch moods very quickly…Have you ever seen Tamaki from Ouran High School Host Club? That’s me.
Wants to see Alucard: Behave like Yumichika from Bleach and sing the “I Feel Pretty” song! …Or whatever you come up with. AxI is always good.
Rant: To Glomp, or Not To Glomp.
That is the question.
For if I Glomp, I glomp in vain,
And verily I shall die in pain,
But also I will die fulfilled…
*shrugs* No better way to get me killed!

Alucard! He’s awesome and cool and he wears
A giant hat and I love the hat and his guns and my
Friend said it was a pimp hat and I said “No Way!”
It’s not a pimp hat! But she said, “Yeah huh” and I looked
Again and it IS a pimp hat and it’s AWESOME!!!!
Miscellaneous: Fanfiction, specifically The Adventures of 'Lil 'Tegra and the 'Lil Nazis

fangirlName: Menou
Personality: Very happy, and hyper, also is in love with Alucard
Wants to see: I support AlucardxIntegra EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! I would love to see them kiss!
Rant: : *ahem* Alucard marry me!!! I'll be your eternal servant!! Never die! Never die!! Down with Anderson!! Down with Enrico!!! Down with anyone who opposes the great Alucard!!!!
Miscellaneous: Also supports PipxSeras, WalterxAlucard

Name: Carveus
Personality: Eccentric is the polite way of saying it. Attention span of a lemming with a liking of shiny objects, guns and a certain tall, dark haired awesome hat wearing vampire. Oh, and yaoi. And Death Note. And babbling incoherantly at webcomic artists. And over using big words. Also, uncommonly used words. I say huzzah a lot. And talk in sentance fragments. I'm also English and I sound upper class so that's good for a laugh.
Wants to: latch onto Alucard's hat, as it is absolute awesomeness. Also, I would like to nuzzle at his smexeh hair. And maybe plait it a little. Oh, and influence him towards as many slash pairings as possible. Referencing Death Note and saying Hoo!
Rant: Alucard is love. He is a brilliant character with an emotional depth and feelings and is a smexeh smexeh God of vampires! LORD OF BADASS FIGHT SCENES! SLAYER OF THOUSANDS! KEEPER OF THE TIGHT TIGHT ASS! Mmm... Ass.... And most importantly, owner of the Holy Hat of Coolness. ALL HAIL THE HAT! Hail it!
Miscellaneous: Runs a vampire-werewolf roleplaying board; sells cameras for a living

fangirlName: Tommygunner70
Personality: Respectful, Sharp, Soft spoke but harsh when needed, Open to opinions and differant views. always seems to be on his guard like a soldier.
Wants to: Latch onto Alucard's right hand, mainly close or on Alucard his index finger. Argue about his weapon of choise.
Rant: "You got to love Alucard! No Live King and badass Gunman. Too bad Alucard his guns are not real or I would love to buy them. Why doesn’t integral outfit Alucard with 2 chrome plated .50 desert eagles? Now that would be cool! Or if you really want to get down to it. Give him a Browning M2 machinegun to log around, Full-auto frenzy!" "I am a IxA shipper, and I believe that the idea of them having a kid together rocks!"
Miscellaneous: IntegraxAlucard and SerasxPip shipper.

fangirlName: Kristin
Personality: I am a hyper-spaz who loves chocolate and being cute but psycho.
Wants to see Alucard: ...DANCE TIME!
Miscellaneous: Girlycard cosplayer

fangirlName: Lara
Personality: Easily pissed off, sarcastic, evil, harbor grudges, don't take crap, die-hard bishie lover. Vampire bishies are by far the best men ever. Argue and die.
Wants to see Alucard: have a shirtless battle of some sort, resulting in a romantic rescue scene of Integral. Both hot AND awesome!
Rant: Those who don't acknowledge Alucard as the hottest man in existence need to be beaten with rotten fish repeatedly. Just LOOK at him. He’s a bishie, for crying out loud, AND a vampire! Men don’t come any better than that! He can plow through hundreds of enemies BARE FREAKIN’ HANDED! He doesn't even need the guns! He conquers anything in his path! He’s the best! Think another man’s better?! You’re wrong! Have a problem with Alucard being the best?! I'LL TAKE YOU ON, YOU PANSY LOVERS OF LESSER MEN! COME AND GET SOME!!! I’LL KILL YOU ALL!
Miscellaneous: Favorite weapon: angry cats as projectiles.


Quantum catboy, currently bodyswapped with a sex demon straight out of a hentai (literally). His fans:

fangirlName: Chaos Priest
Personality: I like to crack jokes if you haven't figured that out yet, but really for the most part until I actually get to know someone I am very shy and quiet. I tend to have a bit of low self-esteem really. I try to avoid confrontations most of the time. I also have a tendency to show emotion easily, as I blush at the drop of a hat (which can be quite embarrassing on a windy day when everyone is losing theirs) and when nervous I have a tendency to get a deer-in-the-headlights look accompanied with stuttering or mumbling if I actually try to say anything while in such a state. As far as my humor goes, a lot of my joking tends to be more on the spontaneous sarcastic or semi-witty remark to something somebody else said. My personal favorite is taking a common saying or offhand remark and treating it as if it were literal. And yes, I realize these past two things are likely far more information then you needed or wanted.
Wants to see Schrödinger: Call it stupid if you want, but I would love to see Schroe doing some very typical cat-like things. Specifically, something like clawing at the Hellsing manor's drapes or furniture. To make it interesting, maybe have him be clawing at the stuffing in Alucard's coffin or something. Oh, and I would love to see Schroe try to catch and eat a fangirl, possibly even getting as far as getting one in his mouth before Alucard makes him spit it out (because something as annoying as a fangirl can't possibly be good for you). If you need a volunteer for this feel free to use me. It's not as if I have any dignity on the interweb I need to preserve. Besides, how many other fans would be able to say that the object of their affection tried to have them for a snack?
Rant: [I don't suppose that I could skip a fannish rant, and instead just kinda float near Schroe while petting his head or scratching him behind the ears? I, uh, often succumb to this temptation when confronted with a kitty.]
Miscellaneous: Wears bunny ears as an homage to El Goonish Shive.

fangirlName: Fomi
Personality: Hyper! Screams louder than someone ran over by a bulldozer (;D), is optimistic, loves smiling, wants to become a writer one day! Also pretty affectionate, and speaks VERY fast.
Wants to see Schrödinger: hm... make babies with me? Hm... kiss me? Hm... run away with me? Just not another raped!Schrödinger, please!!! And get away from Seras/Rip/anyone, Schrö, you're MINE!!! (Or Nashira's. She's my OC in a fanfic.)
Miscellaneous: deviantART; YouTube

fangirlName: Bats
Personality: I’m bookish; read a lot and read everything. I also like to draw (comics, fanart, fantasy, slash), and I play video games. For the most part I prefer canon couples (i.e. PipxSeras) but if a character isn’t paired with anyone canonically, then I consider them fair game. I seem nice enough at first meeting, and I like to think I am, but there are fandoms that I will defend with a knife.
Wants to see Schrödinger: use his powers to get into places he shouldn’t be. Not necessarily the bathrooms (although there are plenty of options there) just somewhere he wouldn’t be allowed, or maybe the roof.
Rant: I adore Schrödinger because his very existence is the kind of geeky humor I love. I wonder how many people out there learned about the original Schrödinger and his paradox because of the catboy. There just aren’t enough catboys in the world! With his flippy hair and those cute little shorts. I feel dirty thinking of a Hitler Youth uniform as adorable, but FSM help me it is! I worry sometimes about the way the Major is always petting him and why exactly Dok’s pants have those zippers… Poor kitty.
Miscellaneous: deviantART

fangirlName: Kat
Personality: Extremely protective. Like, if someone tries to hurt my obsession or even insults him, I'll threaten them with the most over-the-top torture possible. Otherwise I'm nice and kind and generous. I'm a bit shy though, so when I'm not ranting or threatening, I'll be talking in a quiet voice more than like. I squee a lot, too. Basically every time someone does a cool pose, no matter who they are. Well... Excluding Doc and Major and Zorin. And especially if it's my obsession, the other possibility for this time, Seras, Integra, Walter, Pip, the one guy who actually was a Werewolf (forgot his name... T_T), or Heinkel.
Wants to see Schrödinger: kiss Seras. And I mean a full, dramatic, overly-exaggerated first kiss of true love. Even if it isn't true love. I'd also like to see him steal one of Alucard's guns and start playing with it. Maybe nearly shoot Integra or Walter. Or even shoot off part of Pip's hair. ^^
Rant: It's Schro-sama! SQUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Schro's so awesome and I love him and he's got those cute little ears! I just wanna give him a hug, even if it he acts all smug. And I do love him, even if he was created by Doc and apparently killed Alucard. That just makes Schro all the more cooler! Squeee! And he's like the Chesire Cat, appearing and disappearing all the time. Plus he's the ever-elusive cat-boy, a race that's quickly dying out! He must be protecteded at all costs! Schro-sama, I love you! I'll be your gaurdian forever and ever, I swear! SQUUUEEEEEE!

fangirlName: Sabatuar
Personality: Hyperactive without the sugar,always out to glomp cute things.Obsesses over the German language and Baron von Richthofen. Pocky fanatic.
Wants to see Schrödinger: To Quote the (in)famous Jan Valentine. "Whatever works is cool." but it'd be hilarious to see him twitching his ears at hyper speed in vain attempt to dislodge a fangirl/boy.
Rant: Schrödinger is sooooooo uber kawaii, he can be everywhere and nowhere, someone could blow his head off and BAM he shows up later completely unharmed. He has those ears that make you want to squee, pounce and rub them to fluff. He can get away with practically anything because he's just that cool. He's the only one besides Alucard who can annoy Integra and not get permanently wiped of the face of the earth. Imma going to hang here till hell freezes over...ooo pocky. (drifts off)
Miscellaneous: deviantART

fangirlName: Tchy
Personality: Pretty vocal. I have a tendency to chatterbox, laugh at little things, and generally just be energetic and cheerful. I get irritated sometimes, but it's incredibly difficult to actually make me angry, and virtually impossible to get me to hate you. I'm passionate about the things I care about--my friends, writing, drawing, various computer things, the internet, a wide variety of artisitic pursuits--and usually pretty disinterested in anything that falls outside of them. If you enjoy math, more power to you, but I can't stand the bugger. For some reason, though, I seem to be really good at a lot of academic subjects in school, even though I dislike them. I'm told that I'm intelligent and I consider myself to be perceptive and insightful, but usually I'm pretty modest. I'd rather be recognized for something I worked hard on, like my writing, than something I just happen to be good at without trying, like math.
Wants to see Schrödinger: generally make a nuisance of himself, but I suppose that's a given. I want to see him escape from wherever he is and start running around causing chaos in the general area. I want to see him play with the fangirls like mice or cat toys or other things that cats amuse themselves with. It would be incredibly amusing to see him gnaw on someone's head. Or several peoples' heads. I definitely want to see that adorable little smirk of his when he's plotting some mischief. Mischief-plotting in general is approved. Also I want to play with his ears.
Rant: Oh my god, it’s Schroedinger! *Squeal.* He’s so little and cute and I just want to hug him and pet him and give him snuggles and I love that adorably sexy little smirk he does when he’s planning something or showing off! His ears are so cute and I want to pet them--I bet he purrs when you scratch his ears! He’s got the coolest powers ever and he looks so awesome in his uniform and I love him to death even if he is a Nazi because he’s just so awesome!
Miscellaneous: FictionPress; deviantART

fangirlName: Stephen
Personality: Hyper. Always Hungry.
Wants to see Schrödinger: Just be Cute.

Name: Tanya
Personality: A little shy around a lot of people. I sometimes get stuck on words so I kind of stutter, but that really only happens when I'm rambling. Speaking of rambling, I do that a lot around people I don't know, or if I get really excited about something. I tend to chew on things to help me calm down. Whatever's available; pens, clothing, fingernails, candy wrappers (which get left on my desk for days after the candy's gone)... I smile a lot, but sometimes I think it seems more like I'm baring my teeth at people.
Wants to see Schrödinger: going after Alucard in... well, many ways that I won't type up because they go beyond inappropriate. ;D
Rant: Schrödinger is an amazing and unique character. He's absolutely adorable with that attitude and those ears! I'd pet them forever~. His powers are so cool, being everywhere and nowhere! I love how it's based around the 'Schrödinger's Cat' scenario! Ahahaha... I'm not much of a ranter, sorry... I just think Schrö is very cute.

fangirlName: Deraj
Personality: normally I'm quiet but when Hellsing is involved I can be quite psychotic. I also am completly evil and love dark humor
Wants to see Schrödinger: make out with Seras and grab her breasts...yes I'm a pervert so is anyone else that is a fan of hellsing
Rant: Schrodinger is just soooooooooo cute I mean I hate cats but I can't help it he's just sooooooo cute and evil can't forget that hell I even paired him up with Road from D.Gray-man. I'll will admit this if I was gay I would freaking jump that catboy. I love that nazi catboy. sooooooooo cccccccuuuuuutttttttteeeeeeee!!!!!! :3
Miscellaneous: deviantART

Name: AlyssaKay
Personality: I'm creative, semi-outgoing, and I make brash statements at parties, in order to get a reaction. Not an angry one, mind you, more like goofy to get things rolling. I usually have a notepad on me to take down quotes of friends and family to blackmail -er- tease them with later. Hey, when you are the middle child, you have to take what advantages you can get!
Wants to see Schrödinger: play with Walter's wires as if they were yarn!!!!!!!! Or, other kitten-type mischief would be great ((IE, craving milk, clawing Integra's high back chair(!), hunting bugs, eating Pip's hair like the last kitten visitor... you get the idea. Oh, and maybe a kiss for Seras, too, based off of his kinda blushy-ish greeting of her back in volume 4 on page 115 =3 ))
Rant: Oh my God! It is actually SCHROEDINGER! You are the best evil kitty ever, I mean, I know you wouldn't actually HURT anyone, as you are just a kitten, but what AWESOME POWERS you have! The ability to be anywhere and nowhere at the same time? That is so cool! I wish I could do that! Can I stroke your ears? They look all soft and pretty and they have the BEST flicking motions in the OVA! I just want to pet you! Oh! I work in a pet store and we always have fresh catnip! Would you like some?
Miscellaneous: deviantART

fangirlName: Saiai
Personality: Cheery, Cute, Curious... but possessive when it comes to cute boys like Schro. Likes wearing crossdressing/cute costumes and tries to force them on cute boys.
Wants to: Try to get him to squeal and squirm cutely, perhaps by tickling, or playing/nibbling on his cat ears/on the base of his tail. Additionally/alternatively, try to get Schroe to crossdress in cute costumes (Bridget?).
Rant: KYAA! It's SCHRO~! Schrooo~ <3 Ahh, I've waited a while to get to cling to you like this~ Such a cute boy, even in this stark and horrifying world~! You'd have died tons of times over already if getting killed actually seemed to work on you! <3 And you're an embodiment of quantum physics, to boot~ Ahh, dearest Schro~ Come away from this terrible place! With your powers you could easily become a maid at a cosplay cafe or something. Noone will mind you're a boy, trust me~ If anything, it'll make you even more popular with customers! Welcome to, welcome to...
Miscellaneous: Has also been a character in Okashina Okashi.

fangirlName: Gary
Personality: A bit of a nutter and loves fighting but can be creative and(not being vain here) quite smart when I want to be.
Wants to see Schrödinger: Totally pwn Alucard as he's fully able to.
Rant: Schroedinger is awesome and the most powerful character in anime I mean come on he's everywhere and no where you can't get much cooler than that he can do just about anything by being that and also he's a catboy with a twist I mean he's cute but he's got an awesome evil streak and disrespects his leader unlike his kissass co-workers especially his fat boss with his crappy plans why oh why did he follow that four-eyed freak's orders he could have killed Alucard without mixing with his life force!

fangirlName: Eggo
Personality: Cheerful, ADHD-tastic, prone to bursting into song, and loving (especially to my girlfriend XD). AND I HAVE A NASTY HABIT OF MAKING UP WORDS, CAPSLOCKING, AND ABUSING EMOTICONS.
Wants to see Schrödinger: Um...most of it involves the Doc and is not exactly family friendly. XD But really, all I want to see is Schrö being his adorable little (possibly naked) self. And hugtackle Alucard. Because that would be hilarious.
Rant: SCHRÖ-SCHRÖ~! He's absolutely darling and the sweetest, most molestable Nazi that ever lived! Those cute little ears poking out of his hair...that fluffy tail...and the uniform! No one can make Hitler Youth uniforms this appealing! NO ONE, I SAY. AND HE'S TOTALLY RAD WHEN IT COMES TO BEING SUPERNINJA. EVERYWHERE AND NOWHERE, YO. And he sasses Sir Integra, gets his head blown off and REGENERATES IT. Not to mention he DECAPITATES HIMSELF JUST TO POISON ALUCARD. That's dedication to a cause, people! But really, I just want to snuggle under a blanket with him and listen to him purr!
Miscellaneous: LliveJournal

Erin Ptah 2003-2011