Stephen Colbert is a vampire. The Hellsing Organization is after him. Jon Stewart really wishes he’d stayed home today. The Eagle of Hermes opens nine years after the climactic battle of Hellsing, and five minutes before The Colbert Report‘s tragic demise of Bobby the stage manager. It also takes place in the same universe as… Continue reading The Eagle of Hermes
Our story begins on 21 April 2008, between the clips “Global Food Shortage” and “Farewell to Bobby.” 2008. Stephen: …We’ll be right back. Bobby! Come over here a minute. Bobby: Better make it quick, Stephen. Stephen: Oh, it’ll be quick. I’m…hungry.
Bobby: All you have left to do is the closing. We can have BLTs waiting in your dressing room just as soon as– Stephen: Bobby… You are completely failing to anticipate my needs here. [CLATTER]
Splash page of Stephen and Sweetness to get this party started. Hellsing fans may recognize the pose as Integra’s, from the title page of chapter 7 (Dead Zone 1). Eating Your Employees? Not So Good For Business.
Jon: I just got word from the network. We’re not doing a show tonight. Rest of the week’s off too. Go home. Be with your families. Stephen: They can’t go. Jon: What are you talking about? Stephen: Exactly what I said. It’s not safe to leave here. The vampires will get you.
Back in ’08. Ring tone: It’s raining men! Hallelujah, it’s raining men! Hey, hey! Jon: Stephen? Make it quick. I’m on my way out. Stephen: Jon, they found me! Jon: What? Stephen: The Vatican. Section XIII. They’ve sent somebody over. And, Jon…I… Stephen: Ikindofatebobby. Jon: You WHAT?! Stephen: I didn’t mean to! He just looked… Continue reading Chapter 1 Page 06
Poor Stephen is so much less powerful than Iscariot thinks he is. The Vatican is thinking “expertly guarded vampire stronghold with hordes of loyal mesmerized followers”, when in fact Stephen barely knows how to use his powers, and his only defense is Jon plus basic-cable security. [BANG BANG] Stephen: I’m not here! Sister Kim: Funny…that’s… Continue reading Chapter 1 Page 07
Familiar figures in that fourth panel. After the attacks of ’99, the world’s vampire-hunting organizations couldn’t exactly remain secret – although they still try to be as secretive as they can. [CRUNCH] [KRACK SLAM THUD] Jon (thinking): I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot! This was bound to happen eventually. It’s not like he’s some kind… Continue reading Chapter 1 Page 08
Reference to Jon coming to Stephen’s defense during the Conan feud. Jon: Stephen Colbert, don’t you do it, boy!!
Stephen: HISSSS… Stephen: …Jon? Jon: Let her go, Stephen. Stephen: Are you crazy? She tried to kill me! Jon: Stephen, she’s a nun! Stephen: Yes, Jon. She’s with the Vatican’s Section XIII. I told you about them! See that dagger in front of you? Jon: Is that — stuck in the floor? Stephen: Not only… Continue reading Chapter 1 Page 10