The Eagle of Hermes

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Stephen Colbert is a vampire. The Hellsing Organization is after him. Jon Stewart really wishes he’d stayed home today. The Eagle of Hermes opens nine years after the climactic battle of Hellsing, and five minutes before The Colbert Report‘s tragic demise of Bobby the stage manager. It also takes place in the same universe as… Continue reading The Eagle of Hermes

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Our story begins on 21 April 2008, between the clips “Global Food Shortage” and “Farewell to Bobby.” 2008. Stephen: …We’ll be right back. Bobby! Come over here a minute. Bobby: Better make it quick, Stephen. Stephen: Oh, it’ll be quick. I’m…hungry.

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Jon: I just got word from the network. We’re not doing a show tonight. Rest of the week’s off too. Go home. Be with your families. Stephen: They can’t go. Jon: What are you talking about? Stephen: Exactly what I said. It’s not safe to leave here. The vampires will get you.

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Back in ’08. Ring tone: It’s raining men! Hallelujah, it’s raining men! Hey, hey! Jon: Stephen? Make it quick. I’m on my way out. Stephen: Jon, they found me! Jon: What? Stephen: The Vatican. Section XIII. They’ve sent somebody over. And, Jon…I… Stephen: Ikindofatebobby. Jon: You WHAT?! Stephen: I didn’t mean to! He just looked… Continue reading Chapter 1 Page 06

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Poor Stephen is so much less powerful than Iscariot thinks he is. The Vatican is thinking “expertly guarded vampire stronghold with hordes of loyal mesmerized followers”, when in fact Stephen barely knows how to use his powers, and his only defense is Jon plus basic-cable security. [BANG BANG] Stephen: I’m not here! Sister Kim: Funny…that’s… Continue reading Chapter 1 Page 07

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Familiar figures in that fourth panel. After the attacks of ’99, the world’s vampire-hunting organizations couldn’t exactly remain secret – although they still try to be as secretive as they can. [CRUNCH] [KRACK SLAM THUD] Jon (thinking): I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot! This was bound to happen eventually. It’s not like he’s some kind… Continue reading Chapter 1 Page 08

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Stephen: HISSSS… Stephen: …Jon? Jon: Let her go, Stephen. Stephen: Are you crazy? She tried to kill me! Jon: Stephen, she’s a nun! Stephen: Yes, Jon. She’s with the Vatican’s Section XIII. I told you about them! See that dagger in front of you? Jon: Is that — stuck in the floor? Stephen: Not only… Continue reading Chapter 1 Page 10