Heinkel: Shut up, Sister Kim. You were told not to go running in before– Kim: It’s a code I.F.H., boss. Heinkel: You’re sure? Kim: Positive. Jon: …Is that good? Heinkel: … Jon: WHOA! Not good! Not good! Heinkel: Vampire. You untie Sister Kim and allow her to restrain you, and this man lives, Understood?
The ropes have blessed silver thread woven into them, so Stephen can’t break them. Jon just gets his hands tied, because Jon is not fast enough to dodge a bullet. Stephen: This is not how I imagined it would feel to have a woman tie me up. Jon: You’ve never imagined a woman tying you… Continue reading Chapter 1 Page 14
Hellsing readers will recognize Heinkel’s wound as one sustained on the front lines in ’99. Jon: What did you go and do that for?! Heinkel: He’ll be fine. It would take far more than that to do any real damage. Jon: That’s not the point! You had him under control — all tied up with… Continue reading Chapter 1 Page 15
Helloooo, classic Hellsing scenario. 1999. Stephen: Jon, I’m telling you! They rule the night and feast on– Jon: You’re welcome to sleep here if you want, Stephen. But I’m going home! Jon (thinking): That man…! The President’s probably been shot, and all he can talk about is vampires! When you can bet he would be… Continue reading Chapter 2 Page 01
The scary toothy Lewis Black is stolen from an homage to Fake News Rumble. Ghoul: GRAAAGH… Jon: Whoa! (oh f@#k oh f@#k oh f@#k oh f@#k…) Hey…easy there…Nice zombie. Good zombie…Nothing to see here. You can just shamble along now… AHHH! Ghoul: RAAAGH!
Ladies and gentlemen: Sweetness. Stephen: Eat silver, freak!! [BANG] [AIEEE!!!] [WHOOSH] Mess With Stephen’s Boss, Say Hello To Stephen’s Little Friend
Bobby/self-confidence is my undercover OTP. 2008. Heinkel: We have him subdued as well. Yes, the real one. …No, I will not get you an autograph. Jon (thinking): That’s right…You saved my life that night. More than once. Hell, technically speaking, you died saving me. What kind of dick would I be if I abandoned you… Continue reading Chapter 2 Page 04
Stephen: Bobby! Bobby: Yep. Stephen: You’re dead! Bobby: Right again. I gotta say, this isn’t what I expected death to be like. Although, as a Unitarian, I didn’t have any set expectations in the first place, and would have been prepared to accept the afterlife as envisioned by any number of different faith trad– Stephen:… Continue reading Chapter 2 Page 05
Bobby: Plus, think about it — you’ve been in a state of borderline starvation for years. That would leave anyone feeling sluggish. Now, though? You’re full. Stuffed, in fact. (You’re welcome, by the way.) Can’t you feel the untapped potential coursing through you? I can. It’s kinda giving me the shivers, to be honest. Stephen:… Continue reading Chapter 2 Page 08
Our chief weapons are: the Colbert Bump, putting people On Notice… Stephen (telepathy): Jon! Can you hear me? Jon: Uh? Stephen (telepathy): No, you idiot, don’t react! Just think at me. I’ll read your mind. Jon (thinking): Stephen, is that you? Stephen (telepathy): And don’t look at me! Geez, you would make a horrible secret… Continue reading Chapter 2 Page 09