The rants of Erica, Alyssa, and Alex (the only gay fanboy; however, since there are far more fangirls overall, the gay/straight ratio is about the same for fanboys as fangirls) deserved special attention: they came with built-in punchlines!
Fan 1: HIS SHEER PYSCHOTICNESS IS SPIFFY BECAUSE THE WAY HE LOVES TO KILL PEOPLE IS COOL (O.o in fiction! i’m not deranged! XD
Alucard (thinking): That’s debatable.
Fan 1: AND HIS FANGS ARE SEXY TOO AND I LOVE HOW HE LOOKS WITHOUT HIS HAT AND GLASSES AND VAMPIRES ARE JUST SPIFFY IN GENERAL BECAUSE BEING UNDEAD IS AWESOME AND I LOVE THE WAY HIS VOICE SOUNDS IN THE ANIME, IT’S SO SEXY AND I LOVE THE HIS GUN, IT’S AN AWESOME WEAPON AND HIS ABILITY TO TRANSFORM INTO RANDOM THINGS IS BEYOND COOL ! *breathes once more* AND I can’t seem to think of anything more at the moment. Stupid allergies messing up my BRAIN!
Fan 2: Alucard is the kawaiiest and bestest
Alucard (thinking): She’s thinks I’m “kawaii”? What am I doing wrong?
Fan 2: of all vampires! Even Lestat isn’t as cool as he! He has the neatest hat and he must have hundreds of pairs of sunglasses in a drawer or something because they break almost every episode, and his suit is so adorable! And he got his head blown off by ANdersong and then it came back all cool and stuff and then he shoots off Andersong’s arm. And then when you think he can’t get any greater he can turn into a wonky hellhound and like ate or something Luke!
Fan 3: Alucard is so cute and I just love the way his glasses are the way they are all shiny and cool and I love his pointy pointy teeth and his blaze-faire attitude and his hair is so rugged and charming and I really love his hat which is all floopy and cute and his pretty pointy teeth and YEEK! did I mention that already???
Alucard (thinking): Wait… this is a fanboy…
Chibi Integra and Seras: Now you know how we feel.
Yes, it’s another massive sloppy sketch to get the rest of the rants out of the way. (Integra’s line was adapted from a line in a fanfic.)
Integra: Take your face out of my neck or I’ll stake you myself.
Alucard: That’s easier said than done.
Fan 1: you can definitely tell that he cares about his master, and I would kill to be his fangirl, oh please please please!
Fan 2: bad*** and Alucard has the coolest smile in the world and Alucard has the coolest guns ever and whenever Alucard kills a bad guy I get all warm and squishy inside!
Fan 3: cute pointy nose and the big guns which are AWESOME and the cool red eyes and that cute adorable grin when you’re angry and sexy voice and hair and eyes and lasses and sexy voice and the guns and the SUPER HAND OF DOOM! And the sexy voice and master and pink wrappy thingies on your hat and knee-high boots and DID I MENTION TEH SEXY VOICE?!?!
Fan 4: Now, my knowledge comes mostly from the manga, so, bear with me a bit. The whole thing where he turned into the Hellhound I thought was just the greatest thing since sliced bread! Plus, he’s got the absolute sexiest voice!!
Fan 5: I love him with every fiber of my being and Alucard is just so kick-arse and Alucard’s got those amazing guns and Alucard can do anything and I would give my immortal soul to him and Alucard is the one whom I idolize and I want to be Alucard when I grow up and Alucard’s so sexy and so hot and Alucard’s the most awsome vampire in all of anime and Alucard and kill anyone and Alucard is so cool and keeps everything under control and Alucard has such a nifty outfit and his eyes are the bestest shade of red in the world and Alucard will never give up and he’s always willing to fight for the ones he honors and Alucard should be everyone’s role model…
Fan 6: being too saccharine about it and every time I watch episode 13, I keep rewinding to the last scene where he awaits Integra’s order and he’s so sexy with the blood dripping from his white glove…
The last batch of Alucard fans: from left to right, Jared, Erica, Kyona, Caitlyn, Amanda, Alyssa, Dani, Valerie, and Alex.
Alucard: I could get used to this.
Integra: All fangirls are insane.
Fan 1: Alucard is so strong and Alucard is so cool and Alucard is so stylish and Alucard has the coolest glasses in the world. I want Alucard’s treachcoat! Alucard has such cool powers and Alucard is so sly and Alucard is such a
Fan 2: MAHAHA! Yoush have the sexiest voice and hair and glasses and big red hat and coat with the little armie-capie-thinies and the
Fan 3: Alucard would make a perfect lover for Integra, he has a nice smile and
Fan 4: ahh!! ohhmygosh Alucard is so freaking amazing
Fan 5: ALUCARD IS SO SEXY AND HIS RED EYES ARE AWESOME AND
Fan 6: I just think Alucard is the shiznit!!
Fan 7: Alucard is such a bad*** and he’s so hot and he has the best fashion sense for someone his age and even when he was tied in that strait-jacket in the dungeon he was sooo sexy and his hair is so cool since it can extend or shorten however he feels like I wish I could have Alucard’s hair! And in episode 10 where he watched over Integra through her whole operation was the sweetest romantic thing I’ve ever seen without going over the top and
Plot threads begin to come together as Willow rounds off the Seras fangirls.
Fangirl: Seras deserves more respect! She’s the only female field agent in Hellsing (that we’ve seen). She does all this in a miniskirt, while being given a hard time by everyone and she uses that marvelous gun that weighs more than most pepole. She’s so cool! She’s tough, and capable, and wonderful! She’s got class in uniform, and style out of it! Seras should be a more main character! More Seras Victoria! I wanna know EVERYTHING about her!
Direct quote. (Alas, we broke up before figuring out how to get through to the Hellsing universe.)
Erin: This email was phrased with a lot of politeness and “no offense”s, but the gist of the question was this:
Email: Are you a lesbian?
Erin: Now, how shall I put this…
Erin: Does that answer your question?
Erin’s girlfriend: Ahem.
Erin: Ummm… it’s not what you think… It was just a demonstration, and it isn’t like she’s a real person anyway… she’s just an anime character… admittedly, a really hot anime character, but… okay, I’m out of excuses.
Erin’s girlfriend: Up for a little ménage à trots?
Erin: Have I told you lately that I love you? ‘Cause I do.
Walter: And now we see the advantage of fading into the background.
Seras: Yeah, really… you don’t get so many obsessive lunatics attaching themselves to you… you aren’t slammed into the floor as often…
But most of aaaaaaaah!
Fanboy: Walter! And more Walter! And Seras thrown in! And the Floss! And…and…Walter’s hair is shiny, is that a rant? And he’s got a MONOCLE! Love the monocle! And he makes TEA! I wish I could make tea! And he’s a BUTLER! The butlers always get everything done!