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Chapter 3 Page 05

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The US government has always been pretty rubbish at dealing with the supernatural. Fortunately, we have the ultra-patriotic Warbucks Corporation, as well as a ridiculous amount of free agents, invested in keeping us safe.

Stephen, meanwhile, is none of the above. (Although Sweetness was manufactured by Warbucks.)

Jon: Okay, first, how old do you think I am, anyway? And second…

…I’m sorry. You were right all along. I shouldn’t have dismissed you.

Stephen: I accept your — wait, was that a real apology? I mean, not that I didn’t deserve it. It’s just that so few people ever put it quite so clearly.

Jon: Yeah, I meant it. How come you know about all this, anyway?

Stephen: Well, not to brag, but…I’m kind of a secret agent.

Jon: What, with the government?

Stephen: Our government? They don’t have the faintest idea how to deal with this. I’m with the–

Jon: *nnngh…*

Stephen: –Hey! Watch where you faint!

Fangirls of the Greatest Generation 20/59

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Girlycard: All you had to do was ask.



Girlycard: Help is on the way.

Fangirls of the Greatest Generation 19/59

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Walter: They’re here! They’ll come up looking for me any second!

Fan: I mean, seriously, wouldn’t everyone want to have that? I’ve actually tried it once, with floss, but it didn’t work. I wish it could, because then I could be like Walter, and that would be amazing! Walter is just so awesome and everyone should realize that! Now that I’ve gotten that out, I’m quite happy to be quiet, so Walter can keep being awesome.

Walter: Why can’t we be back in the field? SS troops I can handle! But this–!

Help me.

What’s Your Sign?

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Today, on a very special “Raid The Sketchbook”: a gag dating all the way back to, I kid you not, 2005.

“What’s your sign?”

Anderson: [One Way]

Walter: [Yield]

Integra: [Do Not Enter]

Seras: [no food or drink]

Alucard: [Dead End]

Integra: No, you may not give your sign as “Caution: Heavy Traffic.”

Chapter 3 Page 04

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Jon: Ow! What’s in that bottle? Bleach?


Stephen: Holy water. Shake it off, Stewart! The burn means it’s working.

Jon: S-so it doesn’t mean I’m turning into a…was that thing a vampire?

Stephen: Of course not. That was only a ghoul.

Jon: “Only”?!

Stephen: Gee, Jon, which would you rather be up against? An inhumanly fast night-stalking predator, or a mindless shambling zombie?

If it had been a vampire, you’d probably be a ghoul yourself right now. That’s what their victims turn into. Unless they put in the extra effort to make a new vampire, which they usually don’t.

But you met a ghoul. So you get to walk away, with a nifty scar, a story to impress the grandkids, and, if you have any sense, a newfound respect for a certain not-so-paranoid-after-all co-worker.

Fangirls of the Greatest Generation 18/59

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Joanne, aka Shadowfire, gets a prime viewing spot atop Walter’s head.

Girlycard: If you want to know what Jeeves thinks, you can ask him yourself. Hear that?

Fan 1: May you take off your clothes? I’d reward you with pleasure!

Walter: I don’t know how you can hear anything over all this racket.

Girlycard: You and your poor little human ears. There’s a car out front.

Fan 2: First off, I think Walter needs more credit. He does so much without Alucard’s help, and only then does Alucard come in. Besides that, he’s just so AWESOME! He has dental floss of doom and he’s not afraid to use it!

Walter: C-car…? They’re back?

Chapter 3 Page 03

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  • Eagle Versus Incredibly Awesome Modified Blackbird

    (Top left)
    • “Way out” – from the original frontispiece (Volume 2, chapter 5) that this drawing was based on.
    • “P.B.+S.V.” – Pip Bernadette + Seras Victoria.

    (Top center)
    • Star of David – Jewish symbol.
    • Milk-carton drawing of Stephen Jr. the baby eagle who has gone missing several times.
    • “BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO” – code word from [link]
    • Arrow – from the original frontispiece, as are all the rest of the random arrows.
    • Black star – symbol of Sailor Moon villains, the Death Busters.
    • “MANILOW!!” – Barry Manilow; stole Stephen’s Emmy.
    • “FAIL BRITANNIA” – someone’s clever memetastic pun on Hail Britannia.
    • “green balloons” – ‘safeword’ cited by Rod Jetton.
    • Portrait of a very chiseled Stephen – Chuck Noblet, as drawn by Geoffrey Jellineck.

    (Top right)
    • “Crypt Keeper” – Stephen’s perennial nickname for Viacom exec Sumner Redstone.
    • Sigil – from Alucard’s gloves.

    (Center left)
    • “Scumbags” – catchword used by Rahm Emanuel.
    • “BAD WOLF” – phrase scattered across the Doctor Whoniverse, here modified by Stephen to say “bear!!” instead.
    • Black inverted crescent moon – symbol of SM villains, the Black Moon Family.
    • “TLENCH COAT” – a bit of Hirano’s Engrish, used in the original frontispiece and several others.
    • “A/7” – stencil version of the Alpha Squad 7 logo.
    • “RAAAAAIN!!” – Rain; stole Stephen’s Most Influential Person poll spot.
    • “” – does not actually exist, but cited on the show.

    (Center, shadow side)
    • The Geass symbol – from Code Geass.
    • The Hellsing sigil – obvious.
    • “COLBERT ’08” – Stephen’s Presidential campaign.
    • “Charlene, if you see this, call me!!” – just one more way of reaching out to Charlene.
    • Peace-sign-with-arrows-thing – from the original frontispiece.

    (Center, light side)
    • The Ohtori Academy rose – from Revolutionary Girl Utena.
    • “FOR A GOOD TIME CALL JERRI” – Jerri Blank, naturally.
    • Tic-tac-toe game – I wonder who was playing?
    • Eyeball – from the original frontispiece.
    • “SWEETNESS + STEPHEN” – Stephen’s life partner.
    • “IMPORTANT” – from the logo of Important Things With Demetri Martin.
    • “TEAM COCO” – Conan O’Brien FTW.
    • “clock work GiANT PANDA” – more classic Hirano’s Engrish.

    (Center right)
    • “CLUSTERF@#K” – one of TDS’ catchwords.
    • Phone box – the TARDIS.
    • “WRISTSTRONG” – Stephen’s wrist-health-awareness campaign.
    • Lion – as drawn by Demetri Martin.
    • “Judge Tubbs” – the late Stephanie Tubbs Jones.
    • Portrait by Stevie C. – as drawn by Stephen in honor of himself.

    (Bottom left)
    • Sketched figures – from Wally Wood’s “22 Panels That Always Work”. Can you find the panel in the last chapter that uses this layout?
    • Snoopy – Stephen’s pride and joy, being the only thing he can draw.
    • “TD$” – bling worn by Big Stew.

    (Bottom center, shadow side)
    • “Dancing Muchachos” – title of a popular Exit 57 sketch in which Stephen dances.
    • “SHAKE IT OFF” – mantra of Stephen’s, frequently addressed to himself.
    • “AND SHINE HEAVEN NOW” – [link]
    • The Dark Mark – from Harry Potter.
    • Scribble – my actualfax signature.
    • “HA HA! IN-JOKES.” – catchphrase of Phil Ken Sebben, Stephen’s character from Harvey Birdman.
    • The God Machine – That’s not a God Machine. THIS is a God Machine.

    (Bottom center, between Stephen’s feet)
    • You found Waldo!

    (Bottom center, light side)
    • “drill here, drill now” – pro-drilling-for-oil catchphrase, here turned into a bit of cheap innuendo by means of a well-placed arrow.
    • “let the eagle soar” – from the signature song of the Singing Senators.
    • Crosses – Christian symbols.
    • “RICKLES!!” – Don Rickles; also stole Stephen’s Emmy.
    • “TROUBLE READING THIS GRAFFITI? ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT VAXAGHETTO” – yet another fine product from Prescott Pharmaceuticals.
    • “REPENT” – probably written by Iscariot.

    (Bottom right)
    • Portrait – an attempt at a Hirano-style Jon.
    • “LINE UP AND START SUCKING” – Jon enjoying himself a little too much.
    • “MOViTS!” – one of Stephen’s favorite obscure bands.
    • “Way Out” – uh-oh.

    Fangirls of the Greatest Generation 17/59

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    Walter: That’s it. I’m out of ideas. The only question now is…

    What would Jeeves do?

    Girlycard: Other than tell you to cut your hair?

    Walter: I’m growing it out. It’ll be long enough for a ponytail one of these days.

    Chapter 3 Page 02

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    That’s a modified Lockheed SR-71 “Blackbird”, a design known in the Shineverse as the Incredibly Awesome Plane.

    Stephen: Do you have to be such a buzzkill, Jon? We’ve destroyed our careers, our reputations, and our legacies, for the sake of this flight. We might as well enjoy it! Besides, who’s going to catch us at this speed?

    Jon: Uh, Stephen?


    Don’t look now…but I think that expensive-looking, missile-equipped plane is following us.