To the tune of the Arrogant Worms’ “Malcom.”

Integra solves her problems by showing she’s the boss
Walter solves his problems with guns and killer floss
Seras solves her problems with a big gun and a cross
But Alucard has got a way that’s better than the lot

‘Cause Alucard solves his problems with the Jackal
Alucard solves his problems with the Jackal
Alucard solves his problems with the Jackal
And he never has the same problem twice!

Whether it’s a FREAK or that Luke arriving late
Crazy Catholic priest or some scum that’s second-rate
Incognito’s taunting, with Seras as the bait
Or when Integra scolds him for not pulling his weight

Alucard solves his problems with the Jackal
Alucard solves his problems with the Jackal
Alucard solves his problems with the Jackal
And he never has the same problem twice!

Come on…! Come on…! Come on…! I see…You’re just like all the rest…

[BANG]

Problem solved!