For a brief shining moment
they are everywhere
Rip: Ohhhhhhhh f–
they are somewhere.
Schrödinger: I recognize myself…
Integra (thinking): Fangirls?!
Alucard (telepathy): Not to worry, Master.
I’ll sign a few autographs, and they’ll be gone.
Fan 1: He and Integra are obviously the best characters in the series and
Fan 2: Down with Anderson!! Down with Enrico!!! Down with anyone who opposes the great Alucard!!!!
Back at Millennium:
Alucard (telepathy): We have a problem. Well, I have a problem. The fangirls are having the times of their lives.
Fan 1: Well, who wouldn’t like him? For one thing, he’s as immortal as one can get. True immortality is impossible, but he’s still pretty damn immortal.
Fan 2: ALUCARD IS SO AWESOME!
Fan 3: Alucard is love. He is a brilliant character with an emotional depth and feelings and is a smexeh smexeh God of vampires!
Fan 4: Alucard marry me!!! I’ll be your eternal servant!! Never die! Never die!!
Fan 5: You got to love Alucard! No Life King and badass Gunman. Too bad Alucard his guns are not real or I would love to buy them.
Fan 6: SQUEE ALU-CHAN I WUV YOU SO MUCH, IT’S LIKE A VOLCANO OF LOVE THAT THEATENS TO ENGULF POMPIE AND I CAN’T FEEL MY TOES BECAUSE OF THE LAVA OF LOVE AND I’M GOING TO HUG YOU AND SQUEEZE YOU UNTIL I EXPLODE!!!!!
Integra: I need the blue folder in my topmost drawer.
It’s locked, but nothing that will give you trouble.
Alucard: Blue folder, topmost drawer, your office.
Alucard (telepathy): Uh, Master…
Integra: What? Was I not specific enough?
Integra: If you insist on staying around, make yourself useful. Fetch some papers from my office.
Alucard: I know Walter could do that.
Integra: Yes, but he told me to rest.
I’m going to let him believe I listened.
Scripted in part by the prolific Xuanwu, and dedicated to the late, great George Carlin.
(Yes, I do realize the incredible irony of bleeping this man, especially in his own tribute.)
Bob: Since when does my job description include “buying soup for the sick boss”?
Thien: Think of it as helping your girlfriend.
Bob: It’s nice to be back in civilization, but…this is ridiculous.
Thien: What, supermarkets? They’re convenient.
Bob: Mass-produced, mass-marketed food! Look at these labels!
“Hearty.” Right. With that much saturated fat? “Heart attacky” is more like it! This one says it’s “zesty.” And here’s “tangy.” Who uses words like that?
And this soup is chicken-flavored. You know what that means…
George Carlin: …no $@%ing chicken!
Bob: Exactly! God, I miss open-air markets.
Thien (thinking): Was that…? Nah, couldn’t be.
Fan: Okay, okay! I want the real Schrö back!
Fans: Well, I think you’re right. I like the real Schrö. / Me too! / And he’s cute, either way! / That’s right! / I want the real one back! / Where is he?
Where he is:
Rip: Shhh, Schrö. Come on. This isn’t like you.
Schrödinger: I know, Rip! That’s what scares me!
Sometimes I almost don’t recognize myself!
Fan 1: You’re right! Schrö is cute and evil.
Fan 2: Best evil kitty EVER. But he wouldn’t actually hurt anyone! He’s just a kitten!
Fan 3: Come away from this terrible place! Ah, dearest Schrö~ With your powers you could easily become a maid at a cosplay cafe! No one will mind that you’re a boy, trust me!
Fan 4: Don’t YOU want the real Schrö back?
Fan 5: No, this is great! How many fans can say the object of their affection tried to have them for a snack?