Luke (thinking): Another half dozen fans for Jon. Hmph. I hope one of them makes him snog Incognito.
Wait! Is that…a fangirl for me?
Fangirl: He’s better than most villains, I must say.
Was that it?
Fangirl: Frankly, pal, that’s all you’re worth.
Incognito: What I can’t figure out is…why don’t I have any fans? I have bizarre piercings. I have a purple motif. I say inappropriate things. What exactly is it that Jan Valentine has and I don’t?
Laura: Should we tell him, or would it be too vulgar for this comic’s standards?
Fan 1: Jan is so most definitely the coolest BEEPing person in all of Hellsing and he’s so BEEPing awesome because he BEEPing swears so BEEPing much, and he’s a hot little BEEP and he has the BEEPing coolest yellow eyes and it’s so BEEPing more original than all of those BEEPing red BEEPed-eyed BEEPers. And his BEEPing hat is so most definitely the most BEEPing coolest thing ever because it’s got a BEEPing eye on it, I mean how many BEEPing people have BEEPing eyes on their hats? Come on! That’s so BEEPing awesome! And he has officially the coolest BEEPing watch because it can BEEPing tell when those BEEPed up BEEPs- the Ghouls- are going to wake up! And then they do, and they kinda suck at
Fan 2: Jan is the greatest thing since churros, and that’s saying a lot. Jan has an awesome hat and very good fashion sense, track suits are never not cool unless they’re really ugly with polka dots but thankfully Jan has enough sense not to
Fan 3: Jan is HOT, I don’t care if anyone agrees with me or not, and just look at the piercings! You gotta love the bad boys, and Jan is the best as they come! He’s by far the coolest Valentine brother, heck, the coolest character ever! How could you not love his laid back attitude? I’d LOVE to be one of those strippers there that worked with them for Jan!
Fan 4: I don’t care what anyone says! Jan is absolutely perfect just the way he is even with the cussing and the sheer stupidity at times. Sure he knows more four letter words than most comedians and rock stars but there’s nobody else like him in the whole of Hellsing! And look at all those piercings! They’re so artful and beautiful! You’ve got to be crazy or have a high pain tolerance for all those and I’m sure it’s just the crazy which makes it all better and awesomer. AND YAY! HAT! I love that hat. I want that hat! GIMME! Mmmmm…. Hat.
Fan 5: Oh my God Jan is so cool i love his hat I want it sooo bad but it would cost a lot and he’s so cool with the black hair and the fangs I love those fangs SQUEE!!! I love Jan! Jan is so awesome and powerful it wasn’t fair that he was killed but I guess I can forgive! Nyahahahahahaha!
Fan 1: everything, but that’s OK because it’s got something to do with Jan, which immediately makes it cool! And that watch, it even goes BEEPing negative! Does YOUR watch go negative? I didn’t BEEPing think so! And his ha! ir is awesome because it is
Fan 6: I love Valentine brothers they are so cute and adorable and tough! It’s so unfair that Jan gets bleeped, they are just words! Luke is so cute and blonde and it was so sad when hellhound devoured him and it was unfair because Luke didn’t know Alucard was invincible! He should atleast get a rematch now that he knows who he’s opponent is! Jan is so cute with all his piercings and he wears a cool hat and he’s so cute when he goes all insane and shoots everything in his way like whoa! Valentine Brothers Rule! Walter was so mean when he cut Jan’s arm! And Ceras was so mean too, you can’t attack from the back! Valentine Brothers Rock!!
Helena fan 1: MUST KILL INCOGNITO!!) I would so love to take revenge for her *muahahahaha* kill kill
Helena fan 2: they always show how much she knows and she looks so delicate but really she’s strong and
– It’s CTY time again, and tho Erin’s now too old to go back, we’re paying it homage with some parodies of canon songs.
– This time, Van Morrisson’s “Brown Eyed Girl.” Volume 7 spoiler warning!
Hey how did we do
Day when Zorin came
Up in the mansion
Playin’ our old game
Aimin’ and a-firin’, hey hey,
fallin’ back and runnin’
Scared by her illusions with
Our, our hearts a-thumpin’ and you
My red-eyed girl
Now what ever happened
To plane rides in Rio
Letting Alucard take out
All the attackers, oh
Now we’re in the mansion back home
Hiding in the crumbling walls
Holding out and waiting,
while our fellow soldiers fall, for you
My red-eyed girl
Do you remember when
I used to sing?
Shooby doop, shooby dooby doop, da-doo..
Sorry to go away
Leaving you all on your own
I kissed you earlier today
If you’d only know…
Got one in at last before
I died, letting you drink my blood
Then looked out thru your red eyes
My soul in your body with you
My red-eyed girl
Do you remember when
I used to sing?
Shooby doop, shooby dooby doop, da-doo..
Fan 1: because she’s so nice and self-sacrificing and she has hair that’s the same colour as Integral’s but it’s prettier because it’s all soft and fluffy and makes you want to cuddle her and she has the coolest eyes because nobody’s sure what colour they are because sometimes they look brown and sometimes they look purple and sometimes they look red and
Helena: Look, I’m here through an accident. I have no intention of associating with any of you while the matter is resolved.
Fan 2: IjustloveHelenaand…. and……EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Jan: Wait a bleepin’ minute.
I haven’t had any real bleepin’ lines in this bleepin’ strip for a bleepin’ month. The fanbleeps love me — why don’t I get more bleepin’ panel time?
Fan 3: through puberty, at least? Then she could move about more freely, rather than
Fan 4: Did I mention she even managed to stay cool till her end (she should not have died,
Helena: Be careful what you wish for.
Jan: Oh bleep.
I love it when fangirls and fanboys write up their own strip ideas.
Fan 1: and she’s so selfless and she’s so wise because she can tell what anybody is feeling at any time and she has spiffilicious telekinetic abilities and she can open and shut her door with sheer brain-power and she was clever enough to escape from Incognito but she stayed to warn Seras
Laura: You two know each other?
Helena: He killed me!
Incognito: She gave me the worst case of indigestion ever!
Fan 2: everything she says could be examined to such great lengths because there could be so many deeper meanings to it all. She is so helpful to, I think that if it weren’t for her words there is a good chance Seras would have broken down
Incognito: Well, I’ve learned my lesson. This time around, I won’t try to absorb you–
Helena: Is that all you can think about? Your petty revenge?
Fanboy: I will protect Helena-san! HAI!
Super-fanboy level 1! Kame-ken!
Fine. No revenge today.
Fanboy: My mission is accomplished!
Helena: They never did that in any of the books…
Fan 3: he heck couldn’t he have kept close tabs on her for a few more years until she was
Fan: Well, Helena’s obviously well-read, and has had time to spare, so being turned into a vampire as a child was awful short-sighted of her sire. I mean, why
Fan 2: calm and she’s a balancing point for everybody who meets her
Fan 3: And she has all this cool collection of books!!! BOOKS!!! She appears so cold and uncaring not to forget she is a vampire. What more could someone want!
Helena: These must be “fangirls”…I’ve read about them, but I never realized that they could be found in…
Fan 4: sweetand Ijustloverherpersonalityandthewayshejustallowed Incognitoandwassoocalmaboutitandshehelped Serasandtheotherguyandit’ssobadthatsheand Integralnevermetand
Fan 2: and she’s so pretty in her little old-English dress and she always reads which makes her smarter than anybody else in the whole wide world of Hellsing
Fan 5: I mean there is clearly so much more to her than we see
Helena: Oh, hell.
Fan 1: Helena! I’ll love you and squeeze you and love you until you die, except you’re already dead so that’s okay then! Actually, you’re double-dead ’cause of that, but that’s okay, ’cause it worked for Jack Skellington. We’re perfect together! I’m smart, you’re smart. You like books, I like books…We can do everything together. I can show you the internet, and Halo, and…That seems vaguely pedophilic…I know! I’ll be a father figure! That’s okay, right? I’ll take you to school, and tuck you in at night…That’s not wrong…I think…
Fan 2: OMFG!!! HELENA!!! OMG, Helena is the coolest vampire ever and she’s so
Fan 3: Wow! Helena is so cool, I love her look and the way she talks!!
Fan 4: Helena is just such a deep character,
Fan 5: Helenaissocoolandsocalmandshereadsthecoolest bookseverandshe’ssoyoungandsocuteand
Helena: Which group of sinners is this?
Baalberith: People who disrupt the mission of Sir Hellsing.
Incognito: It won’t close?
Helena: What’s happening down here?
Baalberith: Don’t know, don’t care.
Sett: Looksss like it.
Incognito: Well, why not?
Sett: Sssomething’s coming through.
Sett: Or ssseveral sssomethingsss…
That’s the present-day Catherine the Sett fangirl.
Sett: I remember my firssst encounter with a fangirl…
Fangirl: Set is amazing – first of all, he’s a God, which makes him way, way more powerful than any little vampire. He’s a God who killed another God, even, so you know he could take on just about anyone and win, because it’s not like Alucard is going to be any more powerful than Osiris. What can you say about someone whose titles include “He Before Whom The Sky Shakes” and “Lord of the Desert,” really? Set was the protector of Lower Egypt for a really long time, which means he’s not one of those gods who hang out in the Never-Never and ignore humanity. Sure, he made a lot of mistakes, but he’s never been completely evil and there’s always been *reasons* for the things that he did, and you could actually blame a lot of his bad press on Horus, who always had it in for him. This is a God who actually pays attention to what his followers want, and tries to give it to them. He’s a sky-Netjer who specifically controls storms, so he’s got lightning and thunder any time he wants it. The guy is was the very symbol of strength to the Egyptians – Set was who you went to for destruction, if you needed it, and he’s the personification of darkness. Way niftier than a creature that creeps around slurping blood and phasing through walls and hates sunlight.
Sett: Sssadly, I do not recall how ssshe was at last removed.
Though I sssussspect it had sssomething to do with a virgin sssacrificcce.
Laura: That’s your solution to everything, isn’t it?
Baalberith: Well, I don’t seem to have the paperwork for you, so I’ll just have to drop you off somewhere while we track it down.
I’ll just take you to the nearest subcircle in my jurisdiction to wait until then.
Helena: I’d rather wait here.
Baalberith: You’ll get in the way.
Helena: You don’t understand.
I have a permit to “wander the heavens.” It should only take a few minutes to find the record.
Baalberith: No, you don’t understand. When a bureaucracy moves that fast, this one will freeze over.