Fangirl: And seriously if Walter wasn’t soooooo cool in whipping his a$$ I would have wanted to see him live a bit longer, but you know Walter…he’s cool and old. But don’t worry I still really like Jan!
Jessica: Do I mean nothing to you, Leif? Aren’t I better than a bunch of silly little fans? Clearly not!!
Fangirl: Jan’s fangs are so sweet. He sure can handle his firearms. He’s so fun to watch. Jan’s so much cooler then his brother. The thing I love most is his PIERCINGS. I wonder how many Jan has.
Jessica: If that’s all my affections are worth, fine!
Fangirl: there’s something creepy, but in an awesome way, about how wide his eyes are and tiny the pupils/irises, and
Jessica: We’re through!!
Leif: But — but–!!
Vampire babe: Power to you, sister.
Fangirl: Seven on his face but are there more. I think he has one in his tongue.
Seras: Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I know I’m immortal, so I may never see you again, or at least not for a long time…but I’m trying to do what you would’ve wanted me to do. I may not be human any more, but I’m trying to protect people like you did…the way I wanted to protect Mom. Are you proud of me, Dad?
Ferguson, Seras’ D-11 captain: YES!
Dad Victoria: How many father figures has our daughter had?
Mom Victoria: Just relax and enjoy the holiday, dear.
Fangirl: I mean come on who doesn’t love a psyched guy that loves to blow things up and has a brother who was eaten…by a doggy.
Fangirl: but that’s part of what’s so damn cool about him! I love how excited and into what he’s doing he gets, and how he cusses and yells and bleep. And as for how he looks…
Leif: So they open a portal and a bunch of random creatures that adore him come out?
Leif: That’s ridiculous. I had everything he has! I cursed…I killed innocents with violet, merciless abandon…(And it isn’t like I wasn’t in the manga, either!)
Fangirl: He’s the coolest vampire ever. He so funny and has a way with words.
Jessica: But we have each other, Leif baby.
Leif: Bleep it, I would’ve threaneed to bleep Integra Hellsing if I’d known that’s what the fans liked!
Fangirl: Even though his words are filled with enough profanity to make a nun pass out cold. I love how he dresses. He looks so amazing.
Jessica: Wait, what?
Jan: Why the beelping bleep would any bleeping fangirl choose my bleep brother over me? I am the bleeping bleep! I bleeping rule!
Jan: Now what the bleep is that?
Fangirl: I love Jan!!! He’s so awesomly cool with his lovely piercings and the cap tops it off. / Jan is so hot and sexy. / Jan is so bleeping awesome! Ok, so he may have a cussing problem….
Jan: About bleeping time.
Add Alison the Luke fangirl to the mix, and Jan starts getting jealous.
Luke (thinking): I get two? Well, I suppose it’s only natural.
Fangirl: I don’t consider my obsession as a rant, but I do like Luke. It was Jan I started liking, but then transgressed to Luke.
I guess there’s something about Luke (his intelligence, personality, his hair) that I can’t help but notice!
Jan: Bleep it, what the bleep is wrong with that bleeping thing?
In Luke’s case, though, the presence of fangirls may help with the recovery of an essential and badly damaged part of his psyche…
Fangirl: He’s so fluffy and intelligent. I would gice my blood to just pamper his hair and put different colored ribbons in his hair all day. Even if he did make Alucard sad cause he’s weak, he still
hot and sexy, equally matched with Alucard in sexyness. EEEE! And and he be so suave with his speech and intelligent unlike his brainless glutton of a brother, Jan. HAHA! He’s so speedy too and he’s
just so proper, and what girl can turn down a gentleman like him?
Luke (thinking): She’s right…I am pretty cool, aren’t I?
Chao the Luke fangirl makes a typical energetic entrance.
An interesting case, is Luke Valentine.
Luke: What an odd creature…
Cause of death: eaten. (By a doggy!) This was, understandably, a traumatic experience. So the first part of his time in Hell was spent recovering.
It should be noted that fangirls are not conducive to trauma recovery.
Fangirl: OMG LUKE!
Drew the first version of this strip more than a year before. The punchline was the same, but it was just a bunch of talking heads. This time around I had a little help on the layouts from “Wally Wood’s 22 Panels That Always Work!!” (Google it.) Needless to say, this one is far more interesting.
And Shine Heave Now presents: An Alucard-Integra conversation entirely in Shakespeare quotes!
(Also, an experiment with drawing in pen.)
Alucard: Lord, what fools these mortals be!
Why are your bodies soft and weak and small, unapt to toil and trouble in this world?
Integra: Ungrateful, savage, and inhuman creature!
Alucard: Come, come, you wasp; in faith, you are too angry.
Integra: If I be waspish, best beware my sting.
Alucard (thinking): There is no following her in this fierce vein.
Alucard: I pray thee, gentle mortal, sing again.
Integra: My tablets! Quick, my tablets! ‘Tis meet that I put it down that one may smile, and smile, and be a villain!
Alucard: That’s not how the line in Hamlet goes.
Integra: Isn’t it?
Alucard: No…that’s the way Jonathan Harker misquoted it in his diary in Dracula.
Integra: That explains why I remember it that way. I reread Dracula so often.
Alucard: My mistress with a monster is in love?
See how like a maid she blushes here!
Integra: Never did mockers waste more idle breath.
I charge thee, hence, and do not haunt me thus.
Our story begins with Tasha the baobhan sith fangirl . . .
Fangirl: Wow! Baobhan Sith is soo cool. Integra should have let her bite her, I would have. She looks really cool when she’s licking up Integra’s blood. She didn’t even get a hair out of place while doing it! She’s so special because she’s insane and so am I! We’re so alike!
Laura: It’s…ranting about how great I am. What is it?
Fangirl: We’re so alike! Not really….. but I’d love to be like her! She might be a freak but she’d still soo aswesome!
Sanity failing, must stop before happiness overload!
Sett: It’sss a fangirl.
[Dramatic music goes here]
Note from 2017: Back in the day I had a note about Republican voters not actually going to Hell…but that may no longer apply, considering how wholeheartedly the party has embraced greed, wrath, hating thy neighbor, bearing false witness, and more.
In Hell, along with the circles reserved for the major sins (greed, lust, voting Republican, and so on), there is a subcircle solely for those souls whose sin was disrupting the mission of Integra Hellsing.
Naturally, most of the characters in Hellsing who die end up here.
Let’s see how they’re doing.
“Laura” the baobhan sith: Are you sure this is necessary?
Sett: *sssigh* Mussst I recap?
Today there is a weaknesss in the sssubssstanccce of reality itssself. At htisss moment, boundariesss may be transsscccended and barriersss broken. our bessst chanccce to get ourssselvesss out of Hell is now.
But the ritual requiresss a virgin sssacrificcce!
Laura: And I still technically qualify. Right.
Others: It’s working! / We’re getting a portal!
Laura: Is it supposed to sound like that?
Sett: Oh sssmeg.