This isn’t a cheap cop-out because the sketch and text arrangement took as long as a comic would have taken anyway. *nods*
There’ll be no comic today, in honor of, um… Superman’s birthday. Or meteor day. Or Flag Day. In, er, Tanzania. So instead you get this pretty sketch of Alucard.
Fan 1: fantastic and infinitely spiffier than anyone else’s morning-hair. And he’s well-groomed without even trying. And he’s got the niftiest hat. And his sunglasses are so neat. And he just laughs when he gets shot in the head which is so cool and I wish I could do that but I can’t because I’ll probably be dead, being mortal and all. And he’s immortal which is peachy keen because he’ll stay sexy forever. And he’s got the most awe-inspiring set of guns. And he can turn into bats and pools of blood and eyes and insects which is outright marvelous. And his psychopathic dacnomaniacal laughs are so cute. And Alucards ties are delectably dandy and they match with Integra’s which is adorable. And his gloves are super…
Fan 2: has a spiffy red hat and Alucard dresses so nice and Alucard has mesmerizing eyes and Alucard has awesome weaponry and I love the way Alucard gets on Integra’s nerves and Alucard is so sexy and Alucard is so handsome and…and…I JUST LOVE HIM!!!!
Fan 3: Did you know Alucard spelled backwards is Dracula? I just love it when Alucard gets all insane and violent when he finds a good fight. I felt so sad for him when he killed Luke so easily! I love it when he’s a hellhound and I would cuddle him to death if I could without having an arm ripped off! ^^ I love his big red coat, glasses, hat and especially his eye!!! I love his reeeeed eyes O_O That’s the best thing about that vampiric man.
Fan 4: whole bunch of knives sticking out of his body and he was so sexy in the outfit in Order 10 and he looks great with white hair!
Fan 5: OMG, he looks so good in it too! ‘Specially in the picture where he’s out on the porch with Integra!!! ooooooooo!!!!!!!
Fan 6: to do the control art restriction system! I train every day so I could face Andersong and get great respect from Alucard, lol.
Fan 7: I just love how Alucard insults people so easily and ****es everyone off cause it’s just so cute and he’s so uber hotter when he takes off his glasses and hat….Something tells me I need to shut up and get on with it.
…Okay, I’m just stalling for time so I can get all these fangirls’ rants in. Enjoy the sketch anyway.
Again, history repeats itself.
Fan 1: Alucard’s so sexy and his eyes are so scary and his dog form is the best thing and I want a dog like that and he’s looks so awesome when he’s chewing on a cross and he was so cool when he was fighting Andersong and he had a
Fan 2: Alucard is the most sexiest vamp alive. Alucard can suck my neck any day and I wouldn’t care! I wish I could play with his guns!
Fan 3: I want a piece of Alucard so I could keep him in my room! I want to be able
Seras: Um… excuse me…
Fan 4: Alucard…. ya, ya, ya, yaaaaa, yaaa, ya, yaaaaa! I love that song it comes from the soundtrack where Alucard is on the front, YUP YUP! Good God Alucard is a bishie! He is my bishie!!!! WEEEEEEEE!!!! yup yup, thas what it says in my buddy info. Why am I so attracted to men of murder? What do u call a group of crows???? A MURDER!!! REDRUM!!!! Alucard has a RED coat!!!
Seras: … oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to–
Integra: I swear to you, Police Girl, this is not what it looks like.
On his arm are Lynn and Crystal; on his head are Lan and Jennifer; in the air above him is Zafiel; on his back and cape are Liz, Kage, and Staci; under his cape are Cait and Jessie; and that’s not even the half of them . . .
Fan 1: Love Alucard! He’s the hottest guy in anime! Who cares if he’s dead! It just means he’ll never go away! He’s witty, he’s humorous, you can’t outsmart him, and he can piss off Integra without stopping for a breath (I wanna do that!) He should always be paired with Integra! ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!
Fan 2: Want to be one of Alucard’s vampire girls, lol. Alucard is my Master! I wish I could join Hellsing so I could hang out with Alucard and kill ghouls!
Fan 3: Alucard is so cool. He’s got the most wonderful voice. And Alucard has beautiful vampire fangs which are nice and shiny and white. And he’s got the best hairdo which is reminiscent of the out-of-bed-look but better looking and cool and
Fan 4: Alucard is the coolest! And he’s a vampire, and he’s got guns, and he’s tough! And no one can beat Alucard! Alucard has fangs, so cool!!
Fan 5: Alucard always has a spare pair of yellow tinted glasses!
Fan 6: Alucard is so great and Alucard is so powerful and Alucard
The account is, sadly, now defunct.
And now it’s time to pay a visit to… the doujinshi-ka’s inbox
Erin: This one’s not actually from my inbox per se… remember Enrico complaining about the four human/vampire kisses this year? Members of the Hellsing guild on Neopets called me on that one:
Neopets: I count 5:
1 AxI caused by fangirls
1 AxI caused by champagne
1 AxI caused by mistletoe
1 AxS caused by mistletoe
1 AxI caused by gratitude
Erin: Yep, they’re right, I forgot the IxS one (well, it was offscreen, after all…)
Enrico: Erin, you have outdone yourself with these kisses. As if four weren’t unforgivable enough, this is even worse! Not only do you publish vampire/human smut, you include a vampire/human kiss between two women! I can’t imagine one more obscene! I refuse to be associated with such filth!
Erin: Father Maxwell, you’re absolutely right. I am truly sorry for these sins, and entreat you to visit this URL, which will perhaps make amends.
Erin: 3… 2… 1…
Enrico: Dear God, my eyes!!
Erin: I gave him the link to the DeviantART gallery of vmwpoc… aka “Prince of Yaoi”… who is pro-AxA. (Evil, aren’t I?)
Skye-chan is the first Alucard fangirl, but she clearly won’t be the last…
Alucard: I suppose that means a fangirl for me will show up soon. Yes, I can hear it now.
Fangirl: Alucard Alucard Alucard! Go kiss Integra! You know you want to!
Alucard: Well, that was painless. Now, what were you about to say?
Alucard: Hold on. This doesn’t sound right…
Same shout and same pose as the last time this happened.
Integra: All right. This has gone on long enough. Alucard!
Alucard: Hello, master. What an interesting situation this is. Would you like me to join in?
Integra: Oh, shut up. And look sharp– the fangirls are back.
Trin the Enrico fangirl has arrived.
Integra fangirl 1: Even when things are down she doesn’t let it get to her, love the color blue her eyes are, love to know how she does that thing with her hair to get it to stay up. She doesn’t let her control slip.
Integra fangirl 2: and…young Integra’s adorable… Integra rules! And she always will!!
Enrico (thinking): This is getting ridiculous…
Enrico fangirl: Dude . . . Enrico is great. He’s . . . he’s NIFTY!! I mean, come on. He enjoys annoying the **** out of Integra, which makes him hot.
Enrico (thinking): What?!?
Fangirl: He’s my idol ’cause he acts all stupid and five-year-old-ish and he sits around while everybody else does what he wants.
Enrico (thinking): Okay, I don’t like this fangirl either!
Fangirl: I mean, is there a better guy to lead an insane bunch of Catholics?
Enrico (thinking): Wait – is it just me, or am I about to land on…
From left to right, Michelle and Edwina the Integra fangirls!
Fangirl: He’s also kind of evil, sending people to massacre others! He’s just so perfect!
Integra (thinking): So it does know. It just has odd tastes.
Integra: We need to get out of this room.
Integra: Quickly! Or…
Fangirl 1: Integra is just strong and cool and brilliant and and her glasses are nice and her hairstyle is soo original and she’s always in control and…
Fangirl 2: Well what is not to like about her, she is a woman that kicks *** and askes questions later
Integra: … this will happen.
From left to right, these newcomers are Kay and Jei the Enrico fangirls. (No affiliation with the Men in Black.)
Fangirl: ENRICO’S GLASSES, ENRICO’S HAIR, ENRICO’S SENSE OF STYLE, WAI~! EVERYTHING IS GREAT ABOUT ENRICO!!
Enrico: Listen, that wasn’t like me at all–
Integra: Yes. I know.
Fangirl: FEAR THE SEZZEH-NESS THAT IS HIM!!! RAWR!!
Enrico: No, what I’m trying to say is I’m s… I’m s–ss– I’m so– sorr… r…
Integra: Say it later. Look out now!
Fangirl: Wow Enrico’s so cool! Did you see his pretty hair? It’s all long and soft and shiny like I want my hair to be!
Integra: Too late.
Fangirl: And he’s the leader of Iscariot, how cool can you get? I wish I was the leader of something like that! He has Alexander on his team too! They’re both so cool together…