Erin: I’ve wanted to do something like this for a while — you know, answering questions from my email in the comic. So here’s the first one…
Email: According to Hellsing philosophy, a person *must* be a virgin in order to become a vampire, right? And it seems pretty clear that Alucard is Dracula is Vlad Tepes, yes? Are they saying Vlad Tepes was too busy impaling people to ever get laid once in his life? *Snicker*…
Erin: Yes, one has to wonder…
There’s no mention of virginity as a condition for becoming a vampire in Dracula, or in the Hellsing anime. But it is specifically mentioned in the manga.
Therefore, one can only conclude that manga Alucard is a virgin. You’d think manga-Integra would mock him more for that, wouldn’t you?…
…And where do you think you’re going?
Alucard: I have a bone to pick with Kohta Hirano. Literally.
Baobhan sith (offscreen): Now, look — I could never have been a match for Alucard. Everyone agreed to that. But you…
You were supposed to kill him! That was your entire purpose! How could you fail?
You and he were both genuine monsters —
Luke: Monsters?! Where??
Baobhan sith: Shut up, Luke.
Baobhan sith: You lost, didn’t you?
Incognito: Well —
Baobhan sith: You didn’t kill Alucard.
Luke: Eek! Alucard? Where?
Baobhan sith: There’s no Alucard here, Luke. You can relax.
Incognito: Luke? Luke Valentine?
Baobhan sith: Yes.
He’s never been quite the same since the events leading up to his death…
Luke: Are you sure it’s safe?
Baobhan sith: Yes, Luke.
Note from The Future: “Bubbancy” is the anime dub’s attempt to spell “baobhan sith” while assuming it’s a name. She doesn’t have a proper name, so in the transcripts I’ll just call her “baobhan sith” until further notice.
Baobhan sith — pronounced “baa’van she” — Bubbancy, one of the White Women of the Scottish highlands.
A species of vampire best known for their hypnotism.
Primary sin: messing with Integra.
Cause of death: Alucard.
…well, we were going to say “mad as hell.” But that’s a dangerous comparison to make down here.
Baobhan sith: A-HAH! There you are!
I’ve been waiting for you to show up.
Baalberith: Ah! Here’s your subcircle.
Incognito: Do you mean that there’s an entire subsection of Hell for the sin of messing with the Maiden of the Royal Order?
Baalberith: Well, she is on a mission from God. Anything which disrupts that is like a direct challenge to God — in other words, the sin that caused Lucifer’s Fall.
Besides, there are a whole lot of you guys.
Have a nice eternity!
Walter: I believe I’m beginning to truly loathe Windows.
Computer: *beep* File Not Found
Integra: Oh? Why is that?
Walter: It is the most inept operating system in the world. The file that it’s unable to find is right there.
Integra: May I try?
Walter: Be my guest…
Computer: *beep* File Found, Sir Integral! Sorry For The Delay!
Walter: That was…amazing.
Integra: The Integra-Glare. Works every time.
Incognito: What’s the purpose of the paperwork?
Baalberith: We have to tally up your sins to calculate where in Hell you belong.
Dante was right: you end up in a different circle of Hell depending on your most prevalent sin. Vampires are usually hard to classify; they have so much pride, lust, and violence that it can take decades to add it all up. You, fortunately, were easy, thanks to one small detail.
Incognito: Which was…?
Baalberith: The one sin that takes precedence over all others, no matter how great their magnitude. You got in Integral Hellsing’s way.
I first encountered the concept of Hell as a bureaucracy from Piers Anthony. His Incarnations of Immortality series is another that Helena would recommend.
Incognito: So, are you Satan?
Baalberith: Of course not. I’m just a minor demon.
There are lots of us; there have to be, because we deal with the paperwork.
And Hell is a bureaucracy.
Incognito: Makes sense.
Baalberith: Follow me.
Baalberith: I’ll be finished with your paperwork in a moment; if you have questions, feel free to ask.
Incognito: I’m in Hell, aren’t I?
Incognito: So where’s the eternal pain?
Baalberith: You’re a masochist. If we gave you eternal pain, it wouldn’t be Hell, now would it?