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Nothing Ever Changes 13/22

Nothing Ever Changes 13/22 published on No Comments on Nothing Ever Changes 13/22

Integra: Hey! Vampire trash!


Yeah, you! Over here!

Vampire: And who are you?

Enrico & Anderson: *huh?*

Integra: I am Integra Wingates Hellsing. Put the humans DOWN.

Alucard and the Chocolate Factory

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[Integra, channel-flipping]

TV: And now, back to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!

Integra (thinking): Hmm…may as well. I have nothing better to do…

Alucard: The book was better than the movie, you know.

Integra: Hello, Alucard. You’ve read it, then?

Alucard: No, but Helena told me.

Integra: Ah.

Have you ever been to Oompaloompaland?

Alucard: Yes.

After beating the 923rd Snozzwhanger I got bored and came home.

Nothing Ever Changes 11/22

Nothing Ever Changes 11/22 published on No Comments on Nothing Ever Changes 11/22

Of course Integra swore at that age.


Integra (thinking): Stupid boys. Who needs them, anyway? I don’t have to play with them. I can have a great time here all alone…by myself…

Damn them!

Nothing Ever Changes 10/22

Nothing Ever Changes 10/22 published on No Comments on Nothing Ever Changes 10/22

Enrico: I dunno…you know what they say…

Alex: Uh, ‘Rico…

Enrico: “Vampires operate by their own unknowable, inhuman logic.” Who knows what they’ll do?

Alex: Rico…!


Enrico: Alex, can it wait? I’m in the middle of a speech!

Nothing Ever Changes 9/22

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Enrico (narrating): Anyway…I started boasting, showing off my knowledge; she started asking questions.

Vampire: Could a vampire come out during the day, into the sunlight?

Enric: Technically they could, but they usually don’t, since they hate the sun.

Vampire: But are they able to?

Enrico: Well, I guess so…

Vampire: So if the reward were great enough — say, the children of the world’s leading vampire hunters — would they?

Enrico: Well…

Nothing Ever Changes 8/22

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Enrico (past): Of course…I know everything there is to know about them!

Enrico: I was such a child back then…I thought I was the ultimate authority on the subject.

Anderson: Do you think that now?

Enrico: Is that a trick question?

Anderson: Maybe.

Duel Vampires

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Seras: Hah! Luke Valentine with cross beats Alucard!

Alucard: Should’ve powered up next turn…

Seras: So unless you have an Integra in reserve–

Alucard: Which I don’t.

Seras: Then I win!

Integra: What are you two doing?

Seras: Playing a card game from one of Master’s friends.

It’s a little like Pokémon or that game from Yu-Gi-Oh. You duel with your vampires, equipped with different items — or you power up and use vampiric abilities. You play until one side is out of vampires — the Integra card will resurrect one.

I have to go — I’m on duty in five. Maybe we can all play a game together later.

Integra: …

“One of Master’s friends”?

Alucard: Would you believe, a kid named Yugi with MPD?

Integra: No.

Give Blood

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Mom: You realize, of course, Erin, that the blood you donate will go to surgeries and the like. It won’t go to Alucard.

Erin: It won’t?!?

All right, people, here’s the deal. We’re in the middle of a nationwide blood shortage. I’m finally old enough to donate, so I’m giving blood for the first time today. If you can, join me!

Their website is and their phone number is 1-800-GIVE-LIFE. And no, you don’t get to take your donation home with you.

Erin: Drat…

Nothing Ever Changes 7/22

Nothing Ever Changes 7/22 published on No Comments on Nothing Ever Changes 7/22

Answer: Yes, but not nearly as much as he thinks he does.

Enrico (narrating): Ahem. Anyway. We continued working on our sand castle. Soon after…she showed up.

Vampire: Excuse me.

You’re Enrico Maxwell?

Enrico: Uh-huh.

Vampire: Do you know anything about…vampires?

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