Walter: I believe we’ve found our answer…Fangirls of everything to do with Hellsing are fascinated by the “Alucard/Integra dynamic.” The Master/servant relationship, the pride that each has in their race, the clash of strong personalities…
Walter: Fangirls adore these tensions, but can get overwrought by them and “spaz out” — especially by what they perceive as romantic possibilities.
[Anatomy of a Fangirl: Hair is only sign of gender / Simplistic clothing: shirt, pants, shoes / Simplified hands & feet / Roly-poly figure]
Walter: Alucard, Sir Integra, please! You needn’t fly at the fangirls’ throats every time one of them mentions romance!
Seras: “At the fangirls’ throats” is probably the wrong thing to say where a vampire is involved…
In the last panel, that’s the Alucard fangirl talking, not Alucard himself. (Fangirls can appreciate characters other than their own particular obsession. Just not as much.)
Walter: Might we return to the topic at hand?…A number of fangirl sites express enjoyment at something code-named “Order 09: Red Rose Vertigo.”
Integra: What’s that?
Walter: A video clip is now loading.
Seras: Hey! Why are you covering my eyes?
Integra (anime clip): Do you think you’re torturing me?…*choke*
Walter: Oh dear…
Integra: I will NOT go through that again.
Fangirl: But you were so sexy in that one!
Fangirl #2: And so brave, and so strong…
Seras: I don’t want to see it anymore.
A friend of mine, upon seeing this, remarked, “Suuuuure, you were pulling off fangirls under the desk. I believe you. Let me know how the baby turns out.”
Alucard (thinking): Of course…it won’t come off…
Fangirl: Ooh, Alucard’s mad! Look out!
Fangirl #2: Can’t…let…go…of…nifty…Seras!
Seras: Ouch! You’re hurting me!
Seras: Ohhh…is that what you were doing, under the desk?
Integra: I seem to remember us explaining this to you…did you not believe us?
Seras: Eheheheheheheh…um, er…maybe?
(heh heh heh)
The quote is directly from Metamorphosis, formerly at Hellsing.nu.
Walter: I just can’t decipher some of these sites. Look at this quote, from a Seras fangirl’s website: “I suppose Alucard’s feelings could be stretched out into something romantic, but he seems much more distracted by Integral.” What do you suppose that means?
Seras: Where’d he go?
Alucard: I’ll show you ‘distracted’!
Those particular fan-run sites (both gone now) are the Eleventh Hour, and Smoke and Blood.
Walter: According to this fangirl’s website, flashback scenes are immensely enjoyable.
Arthur (flashback): Tell me, Integra, what creature is feared above all others?
Young Integra: The fangirl1
Arthur: I meant besides that, obviously.
Young Integra: Oh. Then it’s the vampire.
Fangirl: Silly Sir Integra! That’s not how it went!
Integra: Actually, it was. My dream during surgery skipped that part.
Seras: It hasn’t gone into spasms, so…
Top: Original strip from 2003.
Bottom: Sample redraw from the strip’s 8th anniversary, in 2011.
Integra: How can we find out what will make a fangirl happy?
Fangirl: Check our websites!
Integra: Fangirls have websites?
Fangirl: Of course! How do you think we meet each other?
Walter: Fangirls are unkillable by any normal method — for humans or vampires. And no action you take will induce them to cease their obsession for you because, being taken by you, it will be seen as good.
The only way they’ve ever been removed is by getting so overjoyed with their obsession’s actions that they go into spasms of glee and pass out, losing their grip; they can then be returned to their dimension.
Seras: So basically, we have to be so ‘nifty’ that they faint from happiness at our niftiness?
Walter: And then we drop them back through the portal they entered from, yes.
The database is represented by real Hellsing fansites: the still-beautiful Solid&Etc, and the now-defunct Hellsing.nu.
Walter: Fangirl removal doesn’t seem likely. Most recorded cases have stayed on their obsession despite all removal attempts — until that person’s death.
Walter: Fanboys are rare; there are hardly any records of them. This one must be quite unique.
Fanboy: Aaah, you’re just special, Walter.
Walter: Why thank you. But that doesn’t mean I want you attached for the rest of my life.